In honor of Team USA’s upcoming ice battle against Team Russia, here is a list of cultural differences between American/Canadian hockey and Russian hockey:
I heard Team Russia just signed Wario Lemieux.
In Russian hockey, body checking is when they take a break to comb the arena for corpses.
I heard there’s so few women in Russia that most butt ending happens in the locker room.
In Russian hockey, penalty kills you.
The easiest way to go shorthanded at Sochi is to steal from the KGB.
In Russian hockey, puck smothers you.
I heard every hockey team at Sochi is encouraged to have a designated “sniper”. The only ice he sees is through a scope though.
In Russian hockey, shots slap you.
In case of a tie at Sochi, instead of a shootout, they have a FUCKING SHOOT OUT!
In Russia, a hat trick is when a toothless drunk man pulls a rabid bear out of an ushanka.
In Russian hockey, anything that results in “sudden death” is only a 2 minute minor.
The players better be careful, stick handling at Sochi can get you life in prison.
In Russia, poke checking is how ordinary citizens decide if the body they found by the Ural river is dead or alive.
Odd man rush is what Russians call our gay pride parades.
EXCLUSIVE: Lindsey Vonn Caught “Skiing” at John Daly’s Winter Vacation Trailer.
I don’t think you’re supposed to ski when one pole is noticeably shorter and stubbier than the other.