Tag Archives: Television

The Flachshund!




The Genetic Leftovers!


Here’s my synopsis of Season 1 Episode 9 of HBO’s The Leftovers, entitled “The Garveys at Their Best”




Humpin’ Jack Brash!

I’m like humpin’ jack flash
When I’m up in dat ass
I’d swipe my card in your gash
But you only take cash

It cost extra for no rubber
My finishing move is near
Your uterus should fear
The repercussions of my spear

You will get pregnant
Cuz I am quite fertile
I’ll jizz deep inside you
Where our baby will curdle.

The Poo Hurl!

I’m such a huge fan of Zooey Deschanel that I watch The New Girl every Tuesday, religiously. For she is my goddess and a clammy erection is my shrine to her.  That being said, the show is no fucking good. This is coming from a guy who loves Zach Braff so much I watched every second of Scrubs: Interns, and I told people, whom I respect, that it was just as good as the real Scrubs.  And I meant it. That’s how dedicated I am to my worship of celebrity.

I call the show The Poo Hurl, because that’s what it’s been doing to my T.V screen for the past two and a half years.  Someone needs to tell Elizabeth Meriwether, the creator, that if all your characters are quirky then none of them are quirky.  The only redeeming quality is Winston, he is the only truly insane character heroically treading water in an ocean of forced zaniness.  Although, judging by the return of the original token it appears as though Winston may slowly get phased out by the least annoying Wayans brother I’ve seen in awhile.  Yeah, I’m talking to you Marlon and Shawn.  A show as unoriginal as The Poo Hurl doesn’t have the lady balls to queef in society’s face by keeping two main character black guys on network T.V, even though it pretends to. Hopefully, they may not have to worry about the intricate logistics of minority casting for very much longer.

According to this Gawker article, directed toward me by friend Shmoug Shmettler (name changed for privacy reasons), the show is getting sued for plagiarism and they are getting sued for a lot of plagiarism.  They stole character names, plot points, fucking everything and I’m pretty sure they knew they were doing it. Unfortunately for Americans, the case will probably settle out of court and Meriwether will continue using her show to drive red hot “comedy” daggers into our eye holes and ear holes. Here’s a list of complaints against the show that I copied from the Gawker article:

  • both protagonists are awkward, quirky women around the age of thirty;

  • the catalyst in each plot which commence each story line are humiliating break ups;

  • each humiliating break up occurs after the protagonist discovers infidelity;

  • the name of the protagonist’s unfaithful beau in each work is Spencer;

  • the plot of both works revolves around the protagonist moving in with three guys;

  • both break ups involve humiliating strip teases by the protagonist;

  • in each work there is a cynical roommate who is a bartender;

  • the cynical roommate and protagonist in each work become love interests

  • the three new guy roommates in each work have identical personality traits;

  • roommates in each work act out their idiosyncrasies in identical ways;

  • the insecure roommate in each work poses in a hyper-masculine way;

  • the best friend in each work is named “CeCe” or has the initials “C.C.”;

  • both protagonists are given a new look by a sexually confident female friend;

  • in each work the cynical bartender is taken with her new look;

  • the protagonists are both sexually inexperienced;

  • the protagonist’s boss in each script is dowdy and overly controlling.

With the exception of some characters having the same name, all of these “plagiarisms” are plot lines and comedic situations that a lot of situation comedies use.

“both protagonists are awkward, quirky women around the age of thirty”

WTF!?! Did Stephanie Counts and Shari Gold (the people who are for some insane reason claiming The New Girl as a product of their own alleged creativity) also create The Mindy Project?

“The catalyst in each plot which commence each story line are humiliating break ups”

“Each humiliating break up occurs after the protagonist discovers infidelity”

Apparently the answer is yes. It’s also starting to sound an awful lot like Don’t Trust the B**** in Apt. 23.

“The insecure roommate in each work poses in a hyper-masculine way”

Yeah, they just plagiarized this from a living, non-fictional, insecure, and human man.

“The protagonist’s boss in each script is dowdy and overly controlling”

Again, just a normal everyday, real world boss. I actually require my employees to describe me this way. Of course, that’s only when I let them talk.

“In each work there is a cynical roommate who is a bartender”

A cynic AND a bartender? How has no one thought of that clever mix of personality and profession before? Oh wait, everyone has. Or I guess one person did, and everyone else “plagiarized” it,  I personally credit whoever wrote Casablanca.

It’s almost impossible to not recycle tired old sitcom plots, that’s why shows like Arrested Development and Parks and Rec are so cherished and rare. Truly original T.V programming is such an unattainable goal Sisyphus would say “Fuck it!” and write a story about a scientifical magic machine that turns you into smooth talking, ladies man Stefan Urquelle.  Unlike The Poo Hurl, most shows wait until season five, when they run out of ideas, to rip off older shows, and they usually don’t do it verbatim. Obviously, when you add all these coincidences up it looks a little fishy. It’s still funny though, that The New Girl, a show I always found completely useless (minus my boy Winston) and derivative, balls to the walls stole every aspect of their show from a completely different useless and derivative show. It’s like inception. Fuck it. I hope they cancel it, because that’s the only way I’ll stop torturing myself every Tuesday night at 9/8 central.

Full Houseless!

On the streets of Toronto
Where does a dude go
To find him a new ho
To bang as a hobo?

I was spittin’ some game
More rhyme over reason
Faster than slower
But it’s hockey season
And she’s a Leafs blower

Toronto to San Fran
Via Wyoming,
I met a nice gay man
He gave me some money
I gave him my hand

Next thing I know
Atop brokeback mountain
I’m bareback mountin’ a man
Who’s built like a mountain
We cleaned up in a fountain

I wiped off my mouth
Gathered my cash
I headed down south
Ignorin’ my rash

Outdoor livin’ in Cali
Got me tanner than Danny
He said I could crash there
And promised me fanny

Kimmy went for my jimmy
But my brain was on Becky
Cuz in the fullest house
She’s got the fullest blouse

I said no to Gibbler
Dan said “She’s a nibbler”
“But I want a beej”
“I’ll go get Deej”

Steph did some meth
Had me thinkin’ “How rude”
Jesse’s gel was the lube
When Michelle got it dude!

Don’t forgot Jesse’s twins
Steph squeezed them in
She wrought on their choads
Mr. Bear caught their loads

Joey and peanut butter
Ran in with Comet
I pulled outta Michelle
And proceeded to vomit

Now I’m back on the street
No shoes for my feet
A man tryin’ to eat
Not tryin’ to skeet.

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