Tag Archives: stand your ground

Gunt Cuntroll!

Gun violence is a problem in this country. It doesn’t matter if it’s happening more or less now than in the past decades and it doesn’t matter if the media is sensationalizing it. The only thing that matters is that it happens, and it is preventable. Check out Wikipedia to see how many countries are less violent than us. It’s a lot. Background checks are a good start, there’s no harm. If you commit a violent crime once, maybe you’re not statistically more likely to do it again, but you are statistically willing to do it at least once, which usually means you’re a pretty terrible person. Obviously, not every crime should exclude you from gun ownership, but ones involving a gun and/or senseless violence should. NO MATTER WHAT. FYI, any violence that exists outside the realm of self defense, is senseless. And no, that stand your ground bullshit does not count as self defense, if it did they wouldn’t’ve needed to come up with a different name for it. Neither do preemptive strikes, unless you’re Ender Wiggin and you’re xenociding an entire extraterrestrial race, cuz that book is bad ass. But if I had my way, even a fictional, international, pre-teen, alien murdering, hero like Ender would probably fail my background check.

Nobody who has been manipulated by adults to wipe out an entire species would be deemed anywhere near mentally fit to own a gun. Yes, if you’re crazy you should not be able to own a gun. That’s all I’m going to say about it because it’s common sense, and if you disagree with me you are too stupid to be convinced otherwise. Crawl back into the swamp hole that shat you out, you filthy, feral Floridian. I do recognize that mental health issues also desperately need to be addressed in this country, but that’s not what this essay is about. Although, I will say that until we get the mental health issue figured out, we should maybe dial back the gun parade that’s tearing through our nation. Along with background checks, every gun owner should be required to take a safety class and pass a safety test. Even if you don’t plan on concealing and carrying. We make everyone do it to drive a car because cars are dangerous pieces of machinery that, while not designed to, have the ability to maim and kill human beings. It makes perfectly clear sense to require the same of gun owners, because guns are dangerous pieces of machinery that were specifically designed to maim and kill human beings.

Let’s say you’ve passed all of these classes and background checks. Congratulations! I’m glad you were deemed fit for gun ownership. You’re probably excited to start stockpiling your arsenal. WRONG AGAIN! You’re only allowed two guns per individual person. One to hunt with and one to protect your home with. Don’t worry hillbillies, your fat wives can also get two. Your kids have to wait until their eighteenth birthday though. You can throw them a militia themed party that girls will be too afraid to attend. “But how am I gonna protect my family if the government comes after me?” The answer to that question, fictional nameless opposer, is that you won’t. America has an army, navy, air force, and marines. They even have a coast guard, so there’s no escape. And those are just the armed forces they tell us about. America regularly and casually decimates entire nations, your pantry full of AKs ain’t gonna do shit, Cletus. I named him Cletus. Here is the least dumb response I’ve received to my 2 guns law

Hillbilly Hissy Fit!

Hillbilly Hissy Fit!

Here’s an interesting twist on an old riddle. Say I have two guns, and one of them isn’t a .22. What’s the other one? Answer: It could be a fucking .22. Just buy one .22 and a shotgun or rifle. Then you can kill innocent adorable, yet delicious, animals large and small. You can even still protect your family, all while having only two guns. You’re smart, you should be able to figure it out. Just kidding, you’re an idiot. Most other responses came in the form of gibberish, followed by the word “America” spelled with “KKK” instead of the lower case “c” normally applied by the morally competent.

Now, let’s discuss this internet person’s inalienable rights to hunt fuzzy tailed tree rats. Hunting is not a right, gun ownership is. Though it really shouldn’t be. If you can’t kill a squirrel with one of your two guns, you need to get better at shooting squirrels or try shooting bigger animals. Or don’t shoot anything at all, in case you miss and kill a child. Speaking of hunting, it has become a “sport” for pussies. More so than baseball and soccer combined. If you need a gun to kill an unarmed animal, you shouldn’t be allowed to hunt. Real Americans, and by that I literally mean Native Americans, did not need guns to hunt and kill animals. Neither did cavemen. What’s wrong with using arrows and tomahawks again? Put some fucking effort into it people. I’ve never hunted, but a friend of mine once described it as “doing coke in a tree with your dad while waiting to see a deer”. That’s not hunting. If actual hunting is too hard for you, try using traps. I know it’s a lot to ask someone who is against stricter gun control to be smarter than an animal, but I’m sure if you just dig a bunch of holes some form of edible meat is sure to fall in, eventually. The downside to hole digging is exercise, and if all these hillbillies lose weight who’s gonna buy all those XXL confederate flag t-shirts? Rest stops in the south will go out of business, and then where will the hillbillies work? The gun control debate is like a never ending wagon wheel of frustration.

With all the insane people on both sides of the gun control issue, my two guns law will never pass. It’s too many guns for some people, and not enough for everyone else. Non-American humans call my 2 guns law a fair compromise, I don’t think we’ve discovered the concept yet. But hey, at least we can make giant cupcakes right? This is why I would need a celebrity endorsement:

Let's Put This Thang In Action! 2 Gunz! Chain Reaction!

Let’s Put This Thang In Action! 2 Gunz! Chain Reaction!

Popcorn Stand Your Ground!

This theater shooting happened just down the swamp from my folks’ trailer park a couple of days ago. I know this because my mom called to regale me with the story of her “near death experience”. For the record, she was nowhere near the theater when it happened, but she “could’ve been”. Shut up, Mom. Gilmore Girls is on and I think Rory and Lorelai are finally going to scissor. When they originally retired down in Florida they lived in a modest cookie cutter house, safely tucked behind a locked gate, guarded 24/7 by the oldest man I’ve ever seen standing upright.  It didn’t take my parents long to realize that the gated community wasn’t enough to protect them from the mindless, gun toting, hick zombies roaming the swamps of North America’s flaccid penis. They decided being mobile was the best course of action to stay alive, so my dad bought an RV that costs as much as four of my houses, and they moved into a trailer park. If you don’t feel like reading the story here’s a summary: Some dude was mad that some other dude was texting during a movie, and the angry dude busted a cap in his ass.  The texter’s excuse was that he was only texting his daughter. Hopefully the shooter replied with, “Tell her she can cancel her family plan” before pulling the trigger.  The guy who got shot died, and his wife got wounded in the hand.

I have a few problems with this story. It’s unfortunate someone died, but the law is also giving him shit for shooting the wife’s hand. She’s the one who threw her arm in front of her husband to stop the bullet. Bitch, you aren’t Superwoman. If she really loved him, she would’ve sacrificed her whole self, not just what I assume is her non-dominant hand. I hope her lumpy stump serves as a constant reminder of how poorly she handles high pressure situations.  Another issue I noticed was in this article. Apparently the shooter’s lawyer tried to use the “stand your ground” law, made famous in the Zimmerman case, to argue that his client was the victim.  No punches were thrown, only popcorn, and everyone knows movie theater butter isn’t even hot. Thankfully that lawyer’s face was quickly laughed into. Also, the manager isn’t being held responsible whatsoever. The complaint was brought to him and he did nothing to rectify the situation. He was probably too busy getting a hand job in the office from the ticket taker so she could go home early. What else was the shooter supposed to do?

My main problem with the story is that I can’t find anything, anywhere on the internet that is applauding this man for the hero that he truly is.  This is the kind of vigilante theater justice that me, and Bill Murray’s brother have been dreaming of. 

Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

This shooting is another example of how more relaxed gun laws are what this country needs. Don’t ban guns from theaters, ban cell phones.  All of this could’ve been avoided if the “victim” wasn’t allowed to have his phone in the first place.

We can learn a lot about ourselves and the world around us amid life’s tragedies.  This tragedy is no different. It taught me the truest definition of the word “irony”, because I’m pretty sure the shooter did not use a silencer.

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