FACEDOOK!
My nose is a dick
On my face, unabashed
The tip rests on my lip
Phallic Hitler ‘stache
Blow my nose please?
FYI, I jizz when I sneeze
There’s no need to flee
My nose just took a pee
If you wanna chat for a bit
On my face, you may sit
Rock back and forth
Please don’t take a shit
Though, as the kids say
“You gotta do you”
If there’s no other way
On my face, you may poo
LOVIN’ MY DUMMY!
I don’t make love
I make regrets
I got no moves
You’ll remain un-wet
Unless I’m on top
Cuz I sweat a lot
Sweat raining down
Draining into your frown
Don’t worry at all
It won’t last very long
I’m a one minute man
A Missy Elliott song
If I get over heated
I’ll stop for a rest
Once I have skeeted
I’ll cry into your chest
Stuffed like a turkey
Slathered with brine
When I cook you and eat you
You’ll forever be mine
SUICIDE BY COCK!
I got my cock out
At a Taco Bell
I got my cock out
You can barely tell
I got my cock out
All pretense is gone
I got my cock out
Condom already on
I got my cock out
Just lookin’ for love
I got my cock out
In you, it will shove
I got my cock out
No, please don’t run
I got my cock out
Now I’m waving a gun
I got my cock out
Too late to stop
I got my cock out
Suicide by cop
I got my cock out
In heaven or hell?
I got my cock out
Only St. Pete can tell
I got my cock out
It illicits pity
I got my cock out
In the holy city
Ted Pooz!
Buzzfeed has a very newsworthy article about the many types of poo.
I happen to think that Ted Cruz’s face always looks like someone just walked in on him in the middle of taking a dump.
So, without further ado, I present to you Ted Cruz’s dramatic interpretations of Buzzfeed’s shit list.
LUMPY SAUSAGE POOP
“Absolutely nothing special about this poop. Barely garners consideration on a poop list.”
SPICY FIRE POOP
“Spicy fire poop is pretty funny after the fact, but it’s never a fun experience. At least you’ll have something to talk about at work tomorrow.”
TINY HARD LUMPS
“These score points for being adorable, but they’re not very satisfying.”
FLUFFY MUSHY CHUNKY POOP
“Basically diarrhea that won’t commit to being diarrhea, this poop is literally the worst of both worlds. Make up your mind, poop!”
SMOOTH SAUSAGE POOP
“Average, healthy poop. The poop we all know and love. This poop is like a home-cooked meal or your mother’s warm embrace. Comforting and familiar.”
GREEN POOP
“Green poop is sort of unique and interesting, but you have to eat a lot of spinach to achieve it, and one can only eat so much spinach.”
PREGNANCY POOPS
“Lots of women poop during childbirth, which sounds pretty embarrassing, but it’s pretty cool when you think about it. When your kid is a teenager and tries to talk back to you, you can be like, “Yeah, well I pooped on your head when you were a baby. Take that.”
LIL’ SOFT NUGGETS
“These little blobs are sort of cute, if you’re into softies.”
BLACK POOP
“Black poop is the most metal poop there is. Black poop is caused by the bismuth in Pepto-Bismol, and it can also turn your tongue black, like a giraffe’s. Amazing!”
CLASSIC DIARRHEA
“It might be surprising that classic diarrhea ranks so high, but remember: Diarrhea can get you out of anything. Next time you get a speeding ticket, try using diarrhea as an excuse. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be let off with a warning.”
DEATH POOP
“Did you know you poop after you die? That’s hilarious.”
SLIPPERY SNAKE POOP
“Smooth and soft, the slippery snake poop is mysterious and elusive. It’s the healthiest, most fibrous of poops. The only downside is that bathroom time is depressingly short.”
BEET POOP
“Beets turn your poop red. That’s badass.”
CORN POOP
“Nothing is more spectacular than corn poop. Corn poop is magical. Corn poop is a gift.”
