Buzzfeed has a very newsworthy article about the many types of poo.
I happen to think that Ted Cruz’s face always looks like someone just walked in on him in the middle of taking a dump.
So, without further ado, I present to you Ted Cruz’s dramatic interpretations of Buzzfeed’s shit list.
LUMPY SAUSAGE POOP
“Absolutely nothing special about this poop. Barely garners consideration on a poop list.”
SPICY FIRE POOP
“Spicy fire poop is pretty funny after the fact, but it’s never a fun experience. At least you’ll have something to talk about at work tomorrow.”
TINY HARD LUMPS
“These score points for being adorable, but they’re not very satisfying.”
FLUFFY MUSHY CHUNKY POOP
“Basically diarrhea that won’t commit to being diarrhea, this poop is literally the worst of both worlds. Make up your mind, poop!”
SMOOTH SAUSAGE POOP
“Average, healthy poop. The poop we all know and love. This poop is like a home-cooked meal or your mother’s warm embrace. Comforting and familiar.”
“Green poop is sort of unique and interesting, but you have to eat a lot of spinach to achieve it, and one can only eat so much spinach.”
“Lots of women poop during childbirth, which sounds pretty embarrassing, but it’s pretty cool when you think about it. When your kid is a teenager and tries to talk back to you, you can be like, “Yeah, well I pooped on your head when you were a baby. Take that.”
LIL’ SOFT NUGGETS
“These little blobs are sort of cute, if you’re into softies.”
“Black poop is the most metal poop there is. Black poop is caused by the bismuth in Pepto-Bismol, and it can also turn your tongue black, like a giraffe’s. Amazing!”
“It might be surprising that classic diarrhea ranks so high, but remember: Diarrhea can get you out of anything. Next time you get a speeding ticket, try using diarrhea as an excuse. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be let off with a warning.”
“Did you know you poop after you die? That’s hilarious.”
SLIPPERY SNAKE POOP
“Smooth and soft, the slippery snake poop is mysterious and elusive. It’s the healthiest, most fibrous of poops. The only downside is that bathroom time is depressingly short.”
“Beets turn your poop red. That’s badass.”
“Nothing is more spectacular than corn poop. Corn poop is magical. Corn poop is a gift.”