Tag Archives: hilarious

Ted Pooz!

Buzzfeed has a very newsworthy article about the many types of poo.

I happen to think that Ted Cruz’s face always looks like someone just walked in on him in the middle of taking a dump.

So, without further ado, I present to you Ted Cruz’s dramatic interpretations of Buzzfeed’s shit list.


lumpy sausage

“Absolutely nothing special about this poop. Barely garners consideration on a poop list.”


spicy fire

“Spicy fire poop is pretty funny after the fact, but it’s never a fun experience. At least you’ll have something to talk about at work tomorrow.”


tiny hard lumps

“These score points for being adorable, but they’re not very satisfying.”


fluffy mushy chunky

“Basically diarrhea that won’t commit to being diarrhea, this poop is literally the worst of both worlds. Make up your mind, poop!”


green poop

“Average, healthy poop. The poop we all know and love. This poop is like a home-cooked meal or your mother’s warm embrace. Comforting and familiar.”


smooth sausage

“Green poop is sort of unique and interesting, but you have to eat a lot of spinach to achieve it, and one can only eat so much spinach.”


pregnancy poop

“Lots of women poop during childbirth, which sounds pretty embarrassing, but it’s pretty cool when you think about it. When your kid is a teenager and tries to talk back to you, you can be like, “Yeah, well I pooped on your head when you were a baby. Take that.”


lil soft nuggets

“These little blobs are sort of cute, if you’re into softies.”


black poop

“Black poop is the most metal poop there is. Black poop is caused by the bismuth in Pepto-Bismol, and it can also turn your tongue black, like a giraffe’s. Amazing!”


classic diarrhea

“It might be surprising that classic diarrhea ranks so high, but remember: Diarrhea can get you out of anything. Next time you get a speeding ticket, try using diarrhea as an excuse. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be let off with a warning.”


death poop

“Did you know you poop after you die? That’s hilarious.”


slippery snake

“Smooth and soft, the slippery snake poop is mysterious and elusive. It’s the healthiest, most fibrous of poops. The only downside is that bathroom time is depressingly short.”


beet poop

“Beets turn your poop red. That’s badass.”


corn poop

“Nothing is more spectacular than corn poop. Corn poop is magical. Corn poop is a gift.




Fuct Tape!

My penis smells crummy
Cuz it’s been in your box
My semen’s still yummy
It’s at home in your tummy
Please shut your mouth
It’s time for your bummy

I’m not here to talk
What brought me here
Is your addiction to cock
You can’t get enough
Of this penis stuff
It’s kind of a problem
And I’m an enabler
Cuz I wanna bang ya
Like Benson does Stabler

Despite my reputation
This won’t be a rape
My dungeon’s all full
I’m out of duct tape
I will wine you
And dine you
I will not confine you
I’ll ask your permission
To demand your submission

Donkey Shlow!

I’m slappin’ dat ass
Like my donkey’s goin’ slow
My Oh! face makes you say
“This honkey’s kinda slow”

But I’m not a retard
My dick’s a petard
It’s burstin’ through walls
Flanked by two balls

My dick is so deep
It’s gettin’ the bends
My dick is so deep
You’ll require depends

Skinny like a broom
It still brings da boom
After it’s in you
You’ll shit a log flume

Skinny like wheat
It still brings da heat
It dislikes hand jobs
Please use your feet

My dick brings da noize
And it brings da funk
It feels like penetratin’
So let’s get you drunk

Say Yo to Drugs!

I snort coke like a vacuum
My nose is a Dyson
No nasal septum
Nostrils like Tyson

I try not to sniff it
Unless it is gifted
The product’s too pricey
The dealers’ too dicey

I burn grass
Like a cheetah
I crush pussy

Chicks back that ass up
Like cocaine does my bowels
Her pussy’s so wet
The motel’s outta towels

I don’t mess with meth
Ecstasy or MDMA
My mind’s crazy enough
I can’t stand PDA

Shrooms would be super
If it wasn’t food poisoning
From a cow’s pooper

We can drink, smoke, and drill
In my room if you’ll join me
You can try krokodil
‘Til you resemble a zombie


I was bangin’ yo mama
She sounded like Mimsy
She pounded my wiener
It got weak
It got flimsy

The condom slid off
Up in yo mama
We barely took notice
It led to no drama

She forgot all about it
For years it was there
‘Til her insides felt teeth
And slight bristles of hair

It developed a face
With eyes, nose and ears
When she queefed it all out
They both shed some tears

Some call it a monster
But it isn’t so bad
The mutant condom baby is you
I’m your dad

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