Tag Archives: hilarious

AIR BRUTE FORCE ONE!

I hacked into United Airlines’ human resource files and discovered a very disturbing training video…

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I American’t Even!

Golden towers
Golden showers
Atop his thrones
He sires his clones
From many wives
From many lives
He ran his empire
Bathed in ire
They’ll run his company
He’ll run our country
Into a crater
There is no later
There is no future
There is no hope
There is no change
There is a dope
A nesting doll
Will end us all
With nukes or hate
We sit, we wait
There was another
A wife, and mother
With all her might
She lost our fight
She was no saint
Perfect, she ain’t
He will be worse
A lingering curse

LOVIN’ MY DUMMY!

​I don’t make love
I make regrets
I got no moves
You’ll remain un-wet

Unless I’m on top
Cuz I sweat a lot
Sweat raining down
Draining into your frown

Don’t worry at all
It won’t last very long
I’m a one minute man
A Missy Elliott song

If I get over heated 
I’ll stop for a rest
Once I have skeeted
I’ll cry into your chest

Stuffed like a turkey
Slathered with brine
When I cook you and eat you
You’ll forever be mine

SUICIDE BY COCK!

​I got my cock out
At a Taco Bell
I got my cock out
You can barely tell

I got my cock out
All pretense is gone
I got my cock out
Condom already on

I got my cock out
Just lookin’ for love
I got my cock out
In you, it will shove

I got my cock out
No, please don’t run
I got my cock out
Now I’m waving a gun

I got my cock out
Too late to stop
I got my cock out
Suicide by cop

I got my cock out
In heaven or hell?
I got my cock out
Only St. Pete can tell

I got my cock out
It illicits pity
I got my cock out
In the holy city

Ted Pooz!

Buzzfeed has a very newsworthy article about the many types of poo.

I happen to think that Ted Cruz’s face always looks like someone just walked in on him in the middle of taking a dump.

So, without further ado, I present to you Ted Cruz’s dramatic interpretations of Buzzfeed’s shit list.

LUMPY SAUSAGE POOP

lumpy sausage

“Absolutely nothing special about this poop. Barely garners consideration on a poop list.”

SPICY FIRE POOP

spicy fire

“Spicy fire poop is pretty funny after the fact, but it’s never a fun experience. At least you’ll have something to talk about at work tomorrow.”

TINY HARD LUMPS

tiny hard lumps

“These score points for being adorable, but they’re not very satisfying.”

FLUFFY MUSHY CHUNKY POOP

fluffy mushy chunky

“Basically diarrhea that won’t commit to being diarrhea, this poop is literally the worst of both worlds. Make up your mind, poop!”

SMOOTH SAUSAGE POOP

green poop

“Average, healthy poop. The poop we all know and love. This poop is like a home-cooked meal or your mother’s warm embrace. Comforting and familiar.”

GREEN POOP

smooth sausage

“Green poop is sort of unique and interesting, but you have to eat a lot of spinach to achieve it, and one can only eat so much spinach.”

PREGNANCY POOPS

pregnancy poop

“Lots of women poop during childbirth, which sounds pretty embarrassing, but it’s pretty cool when you think about it. When your kid is a teenager and tries to talk back to you, you can be like, “Yeah, well I pooped on your head when you were a baby. Take that.”

LIL’ SOFT NUGGETS

lil soft nuggets

“These little blobs are sort of cute, if you’re into softies.”

BLACK POOP

black poop

“Black poop is the most metal poop there is. Black poop is caused by the bismuth in Pepto-Bismol, and it can also turn your tongue black, like a giraffe’s. Amazing!”

CLASSIC DIARRHEA

classic diarrhea

“It might be surprising that classic diarrhea ranks so high, but remember: Diarrhea can get you out of anything. Next time you get a speeding ticket, try using diarrhea as an excuse. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be let off with a warning.”

DEATH POOP

death poop

“Did you know you poop after you die? That’s hilarious.”

SLIPPERY SNAKE POOP

slippery snake

“Smooth and soft, the slippery snake poop is mysterious and elusive. It’s the healthiest, most fibrous of poops. The only downside is that bathroom time is depressingly short.”

BEET POOP

beet poop

“Beets turn your poop red. That’s badass.”

CORN POOP

corn poop

“Nothing is more spectacular than corn poop. Corn poop is magical. Corn poop is a gift.

 

 

 

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