Tag Archives: death

Mr. Hands 2: Of Horses and Men

TWICE THE HORSEPOWER OF THE ORIGINAL!

TWICE THE HORSEPOWER OF THE ORIGINAL!

C(L)ock Jaw!

She gave me brain
Like a quiz show
‘Til I made it rain
Like a jizz show

It wasn’t lockjaw
It was cockjaw
I was in her mouth
Not in her cha cha

I had a chubber on
With no rubber on
I unloaded my nut
In her lower gut

Not in her vagina
Nor her behind-a
An oral dick takin’
Was her oral fixation

May she rest in peace
She died on her knees
Forever the orator
Until a boar ate her.

In Russia, Joke Tells You!

In honor of Team USA’s upcoming ice battle against Team Russia, here is a list of cultural differences between American/Canadian hockey and Russian hockey:

I heard Team Russia just signed Wario Lemieux.

It's a-me, Wario!

It’s a-me, Wario!

In Russian hockey, body checking is when they take a break to comb the arena for corpses.

I heard there’s so few women in Russia that most butt ending happens in the locker room.

In Russian hockey, penalty kills you.

The easiest way to go shorthanded at Sochi is to steal from the KGB.

In Russian hockey, puck smothers you.

I heard every hockey team at Sochi is encouraged to have a designated “sniper”. The only ice he sees is through a scope though.

TAKE THE SHOT!

TAKE THE SHOT!

In Russian hockey, shots slap you.

In case of a tie at Sochi, instead of a shootout, they have a FUCKING SHOOT OUT!

In Russia, a hat trick is when a toothless drunk man pulls a rabid bear out of an ushanka.

TAKE THE SHOT!

TAKE THE SHOT!

In Russian hockey, anything that results in “sudden death” is only a 2 minute minor.

The players better be careful, stick handling at Sochi can get you life in prison.

In Russia, poke checking is how ordinary citizens decide if the body they found by the Ural river is dead or alive.

Odd man rush is what Russians call our gay pride parades.

Popcorn Stand Your Ground!

This theater shooting happened just down the swamp from my folks’ trailer park a couple of days ago. I know this because my mom called to regale me with the story of her “near death experience”. For the record, she was nowhere near the theater when it happened, but she “could’ve been”. Shut up, Mom. Gilmore Girls is on and I think Rory and Lorelai are finally going to scissor. When they originally retired down in Florida they lived in a modest cookie cutter house, safely tucked behind a locked gate, guarded 24/7 by the oldest man I’ve ever seen standing upright.  It didn’t take my parents long to realize that the gated community wasn’t enough to protect them from the mindless, gun toting, hick zombies roaming the swamps of North America’s flaccid penis. They decided being mobile was the best course of action to stay alive, so my dad bought an RV that costs as much as four of my houses, and they moved into a trailer park. If you don’t feel like reading the story here’s a summary: Some dude was mad that some other dude was texting during a movie, and the angry dude busted a cap in his ass.  The texter’s excuse was that he was only texting his daughter. Hopefully the shooter replied with, “Tell her she can cancel her family plan” before pulling the trigger.  The guy who got shot died, and his wife got wounded in the hand.

I have a few problems with this story. It’s unfortunate someone died, but the law is also giving him shit for shooting the wife’s hand. She’s the one who threw her arm in front of her husband to stop the bullet. Bitch, you aren’t Superwoman. If she really loved him, she would’ve sacrificed her whole self, not just what I assume is her non-dominant hand. I hope her lumpy stump serves as a constant reminder of how poorly she handles high pressure situations.  Another issue I noticed was in this article. Apparently the shooter’s lawyer tried to use the “stand your ground” law, made famous in the Zimmerman case, to argue that his client was the victim.  No punches were thrown, only popcorn, and everyone knows movie theater butter isn’t even hot. Thankfully that lawyer’s face was quickly laughed into. Also, the manager isn’t being held responsible whatsoever. The complaint was brought to him and he did nothing to rectify the situation. He was probably too busy getting a hand job in the office from the ticket taker so she could go home early. What else was the shooter supposed to do?

My main problem with the story is that I can’t find anything, anywhere on the internet that is applauding this man for the hero that he truly is.  This is the kind of vigilante theater justice that me, and Bill Murray’s brother have been dreaming of. 

Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

This shooting is another example of how more relaxed gun laws are what this country needs. Don’t ban guns from theaters, ban cell phones.  All of this could’ve been avoided if the “victim” wasn’t allowed to have his phone in the first place.

We can learn a lot about ourselves and the world around us amid life’s tragedies.  This tragedy is no different. It taught me the truest definition of the word “irony”, because I’m pretty sure the shooter did not use a silencer.

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