Pootie Tang 2: Under Siege

There is no music in this film. Well there is, but the only song (as will be noted in the credits) is the silent song from the first Pootie Tang film.

Camera opens on a close up of a minister’s face. He is presiding over the Shorty-Tang wedding.

MINISTER
The couple has prepared their own vows which they will now recite to each other.

The camera pans out to show Pootie Tang and Biggie Shorty facing each other at the altar. Biggie has both hands around one of Pootie’s. Pootie’s other hand is stroking his chest hair the entire time. It also shows the wedding party of Ireenie and 2 reformed hoes. On Pootie’s side it’s JB and Lacey. Trucky is not in attendance. There are also pictures of Daddy Tang and Momma Dee somewhere in the shot.

BIGGIE SHORTY
Pootie, we’ve been through alot together. We’ve set foot atop the highest peaks of joy, and we’ve huddled in the lowest valleys of despair. We’ve helped each other through love, heartbreak, gorilla attacks, reanimation of the deceased, and that one time that crazy ass ho stole your belt (Biggie gives a look to Ireenie). But through it all we have not only survived, we have thrived as partners and as lovers. I truly cannot wait to continue spending the rest of our lives together.

JB then leans over to Lacey and in a hushed tone he whispers

JB
That was beautiful, yo

Lacey responds in typical fashion

LACEY
Yeah, it was beautiful too.

JB gets real mad, tenses up, turns red and taps Lacey in the junk. Lacey stays standing but he’s hunched over for the rest of the ceremony.

POOTIE TANG
Biggie Shorty, I’m gonna sine yo pitty on the runny kine.

The minister hesitates expecting Pootie to say more, but he doesn’t. Pootie’s vows make everyone burst out uncontrollably into tears. The minister finally looks back down to his ritual book or whatever but hesitates again after reading it in his head.

MINISTER
So these are your actual legal names?

BIGGIE SHORTY
You got a problem, Mister Minister Man?

The minister is shaken by Biggie’s tone, but continues normally.

MINISTER
No ma’am. Do you, ahem, Biggie Shorty take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

BIGGIE SHORTY
You bet your holy ass I do.

MINISTER
Do you, ahem, Pootie Tang, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Pootie Tang
Heh heh. Yeah.

MINISTER
By the power vested in me by the…

Biggie Shorty unable to contain her excitement, interrupts the minister

BIGGIE SHORTY
Give momma some of them sweet, sweet sugar lips.

Pootie shrugs and Biggie gives him a kiss that is as enthusiastic as it is graphic. The minister then starts off a round of applause for the couple and everyone stands and claps for the couple. Then everyone soul trains down the aisle as they leave the church and head to the reception. Going down the aisle everyone is into it, but Pootie looks remorseful. He is upset that Trucky never RSVP’d or showed up to the wedding to be his best man.

Cut to Pootie and Biggie on a celebrity wedding special on E! hosted by that Giuliana Rancic chick. On the bottom of the screen it is revealed that Biggie Shorty has chosen to hyphenate her last name to Biggie Shorty-Tang. Pootie visibly, yet subtly cringes whenever he hears the hyphenated name.

GIULIANA
And we are back in studio with the hottest newlywed couple since any of the Kardashians. Biggie Shorty-Tang, can I call you Biggie?

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
(matter of factly) No. Biggie Shorty-Tang will be just fine. Thank you very much.

GIULIANA
Ok then. Biggie Shorty-Tang, for the ceremony you didn’t go with the traditional white dress. It actually barely even looks like a dress. What all went in to that bold decision?

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
First off, I don’t much appreciate the condescending tone of your voice, little miss fashion police. Second off, Biggie Shorty kept it real and Biggie Shorty-Tang is gonna keep keeping it real. White is for a certain kind of lady on her wedding day, and Biggie Shorty was not that certain kind of lady.

GIULIANA
So you’re saying there were other men before Pootie Tang. Pootie, what’s your take on this?

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Hold up just one second. They were all boys, compared to my Pootie.

Biggie Shorty-Tang kisses Pootie Tang on the cheek and lovingly rubs his arm. Pootie Tang nods, smiles and then answers the question.

POOTIE TANG
(thoughtfully) We all jam on the bammies. Cleepa chow.

GIULIANA
Wow. That is a new and unique perspective. You truly are an inspiration to all of mankind. Enough about the ceremony. I think the world wants to know about the reception. I bet it was wild.

They all awkwardly wait a few seconds for the montage to begin. Giuliana almost looks like she’s waiting to hear Trucky’s voice. The wedding montage shows everyone having a good time. Cake and all that etc. Typical wedding montage, but Pootie doesn’t look very happy. He misses Trucky and wishes he was here to be a part of his special day. Over the montage Trucky’s narration is heard.

TRUCKY
I know what you all are thinking…why the heck is Trucky doing this narration? No one knows Pootie like I do, not even Biggie Shorty-Tang. So I do the narration, get over it. You’re probably also asking why Pootie Tang looks so glum. Doesn’t Pootie Tang love Biggie Shorty-Tang? To that I say shut up dummy. Of course he loves Biggie Shorty-Tang. Pootie Tang loves everyone, he may not love the fact that Biggie Shorty-Tang hyphenated her last name, but we’ll get to that later. I’m Pootie Tang’s best friend and I couldn’t be there to be his best man, use your head fools. Now before you go blaming Trucky, just know it was out of my control. We’ll also get to that part later. All you need to know right now is that Pootie Tang is happy to be marrying Biggie Shorty-Tang, but he’s also sad that I couldn’t be his best man. He’s Pootie Tang damn it, he’s allowed to be complicated.

Montage over. Cut back to the wedding special on E!. Giuliana is looking around confusedly, searching for wherever Trucky’s voice is coming from. She finally gives up.

GIULIANA
Ummm, who’s voice is that?

POOTIE TANG
My main damie. On his leepa tai tip.

GIULIANA
Where is he? and why can I hear him?

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Don’t try to confuse us with your lamestream media loaded question nonsense.

Pootie Tang notices Biggie Shorty-Tang’s mood change. He gently places a hand on her arm to calm her down.

POOTIE TANG
What’s the dabble dee, my dilly?. Capa town.

BIggie collects herself, calms down and answers the question.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
You’re right Pootie. You always are. Miss Giuliana, that’s Pootie Tang’s best friend, Trucky. He lives with some white woman on a farm by my momma’s old place. He’s a fool.

You hear a record scratch as everyone in the scene kind of freezes. Then Trucky’s narration starts up again. Pootie and Biggie remain completely calm and stoic throughout it all. Giuliana continues to look around for the source of Trucky’s voice. The whole narration happens over the awkward dead air of the wedding special.

TRUCKY
I’m sure you’re thinking that this is some messed up stuff. They knew where I was. They sent the invitation to my address. Pootie has been there with me before. Obviously Biggie Shorty knew, she just said it. Well we ain’t got no time for you haters. Listen here, Pootie Tang is a lot of things and sometimes one of those things is stupid (hear the crack of the belt in the narration Pootie somehow hit him with the belt) Ouch. Damn man, alright. Pootie Tang is a busy man. He’s a superhero, a role model, an actor, a musician, a cobbler, a humanitarian and a bunch of other stuff. A man half as accomplished as Pootie Tang would forget shit. So, sometimes Pootie Tang forgets shit. He always remembers shit though, eventually. What they didn’t know is that I never got the invitation cuz I was being held against my will.

Trucky’s narration stops as Giuliana grabs her ear because she is getting a message from her producer.

GIULIANA
I don’t mean to interrupt, but my producer is telling me you brought a clip of your new movie?

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
What are you so confused about, that’s what talk shows is for ain’t it?

GIULIANA
It’s just a tad unusual for a wedding special, but you wouldn’t be Pootie Tang unless you did things a little differently. Pootie, is there anything we need to know to introduce the clip?

Camera zooms in on only Pootie Tang, he shrugs his shoulders

POOTIE TANG
Wa da tah!

A monitor then pops up on the wedding special set, all three people stare at it as the camera zooms in on the screen.

Open on the gang (JB, Lacey and Pootie) leaning up against the side of a building, while Biggie Shorty-Tang dances on the street a few feet in front of them.

JB
How are you gonna break it to her Pootie?

POOTIE TANG
Say da nay no to your dilly, to slamma sly ead for your damie.

JB
You do have a way with words, but every woman dreams of her honeymoon. No woman dreams of saving her husband’s best friend from a tyrannical small town sheriff.

LACEY
Yeah, Pootie. She’s gonna want to go on that honeymoon too.

JB once again gets visibly irritated, but he lets this one slide.

JB
We’d go with you, but you know how Lacey gets scared. Someone has to stay here and take care of him.

LACEY
Yeah. and JB’s scared too.

JB starts to get upset, then realizes that what Lacey said is slightly different than his usual nonsense. Lacey knows what he did so he points at JB and laughs. He really zinged him on that one.

JB
I still hate you!

POOTIE TANG
Yo. Biggie Shorty-Tang.

Biggie takes off her headphones, but does not stop dancing. In the background of the conversation JB and Lacey are playing patty cakes with each other.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
What you want Pootie?

POOTIE TANG
The damies said da nay no. Time to slabba chee on some baddie bye biddies?

BIGGIE SHORTY
Instead of a honeymoon? I suppose I did say through thick and thin, and it don’t get much thicker than that dumbass Trucky. But we’re gonna need some help from you know who.

POOTIE TANG
Sa Da Tay!

Camera fades out as Biggie Shorty-Tang puts her headphones back on while Pootie joins in her dance. The other two are still playing patty cakes.

The camera then fades in on an exterior shot of Ireenie’s home for reformed hos. It is also a day care center. Pootie and Biggie are there to ask for a couple of Ireenie’s hos to help with the mission to save Trucky. Ireenie agrees to do it because of Pootie’s financial contributions to Ireenie’s charity. On the outside it looks like an IHOP, the inside looks like an upscale brothel. There’s a daycare, some sleeping quarters, a healthy food court/snack bar, a gym and classrooms to teach hos how to be ladies. The camera slowly zooms in on Biggie and Pootie at the front door waiting for someone to answer it. Finally the door opens and one of the younger hos trying to be reformed answers the door and curtsies as she welcomes Pootie and Biggie.

TINI
Hello, welcome to Ireenie’s Home of Positivity. If you want me to do you both it’ll be an extra 50 bucks.

Pootie and Biggie look at each other confused at first, then Biggie starts to get mad at her flirting with Pootie. She starts to grab her purse to take a swing at the ho, until a cough is heard off screen from behind the door. The young ho then looks ashamed of herself, curtsies again then corrects her mistake.

TINI
Oops. I mean welcome to Ireenie’s Home of Positivity. Come have a seat in the parlor. Miss Ireenie will be with you in a moment. May I take your jackets?

Pootie and Biggie are not wearing jackets. They notice the mistake but ignore it and let her lead them to the parlor. They sit down on the couch, and look around in awe of how different it looks on the inside.

TINI
May I get you two anything to drink?

Biggie Shorty-Tang is still sour about the ho propositioning her and Pootie.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Me and Pootie are just fine. You can go now.

The ho curtsies again then runs away crying with her head in her hands, she is clearly ashamed of her prior behavior. A few seconds after she leaves Ireenie comes through the same door to greet her guests. Pootie and Biggie stand up and they each greet Ireenie with a hug. Pootie and Biggie return to their seats and Ireenie sits across from them.

IREENIE
Let me apologize for Tini. She’s new to the program and hasn’t quite gotten the hang of things.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
That bitch almost got purse slapped. I tell you what.

IREENIE
We don’t allow that kind of talk in this house.

Pootie looks at Biggie to tell her she needs to calm down. Biggie reluctantly does so.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
My apologies. You’re doing good work here.

IREENIE
I know this isn’t a social call, but before we get down to business. Let me give you a tour. I’m sure Pootie would love to see how we’ve been spending all his generous donations.

POOTIE TANG
Cole us down on the panny sty

Ireenie leads them around the campus. throughout the tour Ireenie explains the rules (no boys, curfew, no swearing, no hoeing, eat properly etc.) She takes them to the gym where chicks in nice dresses and shoes are doing military style training (ropes course, army crawls etc). Then to the empty barracks style dorms, then past the classrooms where chicks are reciting a phrase over and over like “No, I will not suck that for 20 dollars”. The cafeteria is really nice buffet style (dudes carving meat, a salad bar, the whole 9 yards). Then they pass the science lab, with chicks in white coats casually pouring liquids in and out of beakers (one of these chicks is Tini from before). She looks at the tour group and smiles at them as they stand in the doorway.

IREENIE
This is the science lab. Some of the girls like to do independent experiments, but mostly we use DNA sequencing to try and find a genetic predisposition for being a hoochie.

The last place they go is the daycare, which is loaded with children. It’s loud and unorganized, but lots of young ho volunteers.

IREENIE
I’m most proud of the day care. Of course, a lot of the kids come from my girls in the program, but we find that an early access to education is the best tool we have to fight future ho-like behavior. Join me out back, and we can talk about this mess Trucky has gotten himself into.

They enter the backyard which is really nice. They sit down at a small parlor table, where three refreshing iced teas are already awaiting them. In the background a bunch of girls are politely playing croquet.

IREENIE
So what’s happened to Trucky, and how can we help?

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
We actually aren’t quite sure yet.

Pootie and Biggy look to the sky hoping Trucky’s voice appears. Ireenie doesn’t seem to know what they are waiting for. I takes awhile for the narration to start, Trucky was busy. Once the narration starts, it cuts to a flashback type thing to shed light on what Trucky has been up to. The narration plays over the montage type thing. The montage just shows everything Trucky mentions in better detail.

TRUCKY
Sorry about that ya’ll. The sheriff is working me to the bone. Literally. After the shotgun, or more accurately the six shooter wedding, the sheriff wasn’t content with forcing some stranger to marry his daughter. He needed a grandson to take over the evil sheriffing family business. This place may seem like a perfect household, but it’s just a fancy looking prison. I can’t leave. I have to do all the cooking and cleaning all day everyday. And every night he forces me to make not so sweet love to his baby girl. That’s some messed up stuff right there. I can’t do anything to stop it. I even tried explaining a woman’s ovulation cycle to him. He called it witchcraft, mumbo jumbo. I’m stuck in a cycle of suburban hell, and I ain’t even in the suburbs. Help me Pootie Tang, you’re my only hope.

Cuts back to Biggie Pootie and Ireenie sitting at the table, not much of the iced tea is left. Pootie looks up to the sky and spreads his arms in thanks.

POOTIE TANG
Sepa town, my damie.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Well, there you have it. Ireenie, can you help us out?

IREENIE
My stable of reformed hoochies is at your service. It’s the least I can do for whatever it was I did to poor Trucky in that boiler room.

Pootie and Biggie make exaggeratedly disgusted faces.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Just a couple will do. Maybe the ones we used for my wedding party.

Ireenie does an elaborate whistle, and two reformed hoes Moe (short for Mo-et) and Chard (short for Chardon-ay) run over from the croquet game, mallets still in hand. They stand at attention awaiting Ireenie’s orders.

IREENIE
Chard and Moe, I need you to go with Pootie Tang and Biggie Shorty-Tang. Do as they say, and they will take very good care of you.

Moe and Chard obediently, and simultaneously, walk over and stand behind Pootie and Biggie. Still at attention with their mallets over their shoulders. Biggie Shorty-Tang looks at them skeptically.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Can they handle the temptations and what not. y’know, of the big scary world?

IREENIE
I have unwavering faith in all my girls, but these two are truly my finest students. The cream of the crop.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Hmm Hmm…We’ll see.

An alarm inside the house starts going off. Pootie Tang immediately reaches for his belt. But Ireenie stops him. All the girls playing croquet go into the house in a calm, but organized manner. Ireenie calmly stands up, to attend to the alarm.

IREENIE
Girls, please escort these two out. Pootie and Biggie Shorty-Tang, it was lovely to see you again. Good luck with Trucky, and don’t be strangers.

Moe and Chard look at Ireenie like they feel they should stay and help, but Ireenie shoos them away. She and the other girls can handle whatever is going on.

POOTIE TANG
Shall I jam on some cold tonies?

IREENIE
That’s sweet of you, but I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t handle.

Ireenie then returns inside as Moe and Chard escort Biggie and Pootie out of the back gate as the camera fades out.

Camera fades back in on the gang (Pootie, Biggie, JB, Lacey, Moe and Card) at Pootie and Biggie’s loft. There is a large map on the table, and everyone is standing around it. There’s paperwork everywhere, a chalkboard filled with mathematical and logistical nonsense. Pootie Tang is very focused as is Biggie Shorty-Tang. JB and Lacey keep trying to hit on Moe and Chard. Moe and Chard remain stoic and unresponsive. It gets to the point where Pootie has to whip them each with his belt. Camera zooms in on Pootie giving them a death stare. JB and Lacey then stop flirting and return their focus on the planning.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Stop playing. We need a plan.

The camera does a That 70s Show style camera turn as each person briefly explains they’re plan. First up is Pootie Tang, who speaks like he has the most brilliant plan ever.

POOTIE TANG
Let’s sine their pity on the runny kine!

Pan over to Biggie Shorty-Tang on Pootie’s right, who looks at Pootie like she’s tired of hearing the same old thing.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
It’s obvious we should split up. Give ourselves more chances to get in and get out.

Moe and Chard are up next, both in the same frame. They don’t speak. All they do is unholster the mallets from their back and slam the hammer end into the palm of their hand. In unison of course. The camera next focuses on JB who looks at Moe and Card off screen, then down to his penis, before revealing his plan. Which he states matter of factly, as though it’s simple.

JB
You know, we could just call the police. They can’t be all bad…

From off camera Pootie’s belt catches JB in the face. JB rubs the injured cheek as the camera pans to Lacey. He is already nervous looking, and he gets more and more sweaty the longer it takes. He starts to look around frantically, he’s never had to form his own opinion before. After an uncomfortable amount of silence the camera swoops up to get an aerial view of everyone around the table, the sounds of Trucky’s voice causes everyone to look up at the same time.

TRUCKY
Stop wasting my damn time. This sheriff ain’t no Osama Bin Laden, and you all ain’t no Seal
Team Six. Get your asses to this farm, and teach this honkey a lesson.

With the camera still over head Pootie Tang grabs Biggie’s hand as they, along with Moe and Chard, rush out to save the day. The camera then focuses back on to JB and Lacey who stay behind. The camera stays on them until they both start making out passionately. Before the camera completely fades to black as they slowly descend onto the floor to make love, Trucky jumps in.

TRUCKY
Hot damn! Nobody saw that one coming!

Next scene opens up in front of the house Trucky is being kept in. On the outside is a bunch of Dirty Dee’s henchmen. They’re real dirty, and they’re hanging out drinking forties, throwing dice etc. (typical degenerate black guy stuff). Froggy is in the background in a recliner. He’s the only clean one, and he is throwing dirty change at a very dirty, very slutty Tini (now known as Mahr-tee-nee) who is dancing on a street sign sticking out of the ground. The party is interrupted when Pootie Tang’s car randomly jumps over/crashes through a huge pile of hay. The car does a bunch of doughnuts, like too many doughnuts, until it’s surrounded in a huge dust cloud. The car stops (you can’t see it, but you can hear that it does). Pootie and Biggie, followed closely by the other two, heroically and slow mo emerge from the dust cloud and pose. The camera then focuses on all the dirty thugs (including Froggy and Mahr-Tee-Nee) who have stopped what they are doing too look in awe at Pootie Tang and his gang. Froggy finally stand ups off his recliner and turns to face Pootie Tang.

FROGGY
We’ve been expecting you Pootie Tang.

Mahr-Tee-Nee then affectionately joins Froggy as he puts his arm around her, and pulls an envelope out of somewhere behind Mahr-Tee-Nee. No one is really sure where it comes from, but it was probably hidden in her butthole. It’s a regular manilla envelope with the words ‘Paternity Test’ stamped on it in red ink.

FROGGY
Mahr-Tee-Nee even brought you a present.

MAHR-TEE-NEE
Yeah, but you’re gonna have to come and get it. Get em boys.

All the dirty thugs then look up at Froggy and Mahr-Tee-Nee, without moving from their spots. Froggy then backhands Mahr-Tee-Nee across the face.

FROGGY
Bitch, they don’t work for you.

Mahr-Tee-Nee hangs her head in shame. The camera then focuses back on to Pootie and the gang. Moe and Chard unsheath their mallets, Biggie Shorty tightens the grip on her purse, and Pootie Tang removes his belt. They are all ready for battle. Froggy then gives his command from off camera.

FROGGY
Mess these suckers up!

A huge fight scene ensues. Pootie Tang obviously uses mostly his belt and fists. Biggie Shorty-Tang uses mostly her purse and large rear end. Moe and Chard are like ninjas with the croquet mallets. Froggy and Mahr-Tee-Nee are not a part of the first fight. They are in the background. Froggy has returned to his recliner and continues to throw dirty change at a dancing Mahr-Tee-Nee. They unanimously win the fight, and the ground is now littered with dirty thugs, Pootie and the gang are standing triumphantly among the fallen. Froggy doesn’t notice the fight is over until the camera focuses on him and he gets hit with the belt from off screen to get his attention. Pootie Tang is now on the platform with the recliner.

POOTIE TANG
Froggy, you banged the dillie the last time tinny.

Froggy looks scared, and hands over the envelope.

FROGGY
This might change your tune, Pootie. You’re not as cool as you think you are.

Pootie Tang opens the envelope, pulls out a single sheet of paper and reads it. Pootie looks genuinely upset, tears streaming down his face. He drops the sheet of paper then starts walking away toward the corn field. Biggie Shorty then runs over to the fallen sheet of paper. She picks it up and the camera focuses on it in her hand. The paper is written in huge letters. It says Pootie Tang’s Father on top. Below that on either side it has Daddy Tang and Dirty Dee’s names above a check box. There is a green check underneath Dirty Dee’s name, and a red ‘x’ underneath Daddy Tang’s name. Dirty Dee is Pootie Tang’s real father. Biggie realizes what this means and looks horrified. She calls out to Pootie.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Pootie, come back.

Pootie has already started running to the cornfield, tearing off one article of clothing at a time. He screams as he runs off into the distance.

POOTIE TANG
Cooooooooole meeeee on the paaaaaaannnnnny styyyyyyyy!

As Pootie is running away Biggie takes one swing with her purse and puts Froggy on the ground. The beating continues with Froggy in the fetal position as Pootie runs off into the distance. Moe and Chard deliver the same fate to Mahr-Tee-Nee with the croquet mallets. You can hear Dirty Dee’s laugh in the background as Pootie flees and the other three kick some ass.

Open up on Pootie, finally at his destination. He’s kneeling, nearly naked, in front of a solitary corn stalk. He appears to be seeking guidance. After a few seconds of tears, and pleading, Daddy Tang and Momma Dee appear in corn and cow form. Pootie is noticeably calmer, but he still has to sniffle and stifle back tears.

MOMMA DEE
Pootie Tang. You know better than that. Stop that crying. Fatherhood can’t be decided by some lab tests and a sheet of paper from a computer. Daddy Tang showed you and me more love, compassion, and forgiveness than I knew one man could give. He’s the reason you are the man you are today, and we are both very proud of that man.

Pootie Tang is incredibly soothed by his mother’s kind and honest words. He then looks over the Daddy Tang, hoping he has some more wisdom to share. Daddy Tang acts inconvenienced.

DADDY TANG
Quit that crying boy. Was Dirty Dee at that Piggly Wiggly when I bought you that belt? Did Dirty Dee work 12 hour shifts at a gorilla infested factory just to put food on the table? I didn’t sacrifice my time and money for you to run crying through some cornfield every time things get tough. I raised you to be a man. I raised you to be the hero that the inner cities need. I raised you to go smack the dirt off Dirty Dee’s sorry ass. Now get outta my face, son.

Pootie’s spirits are lifted. He slowly gets dressed again, the shot zooms in on his crotch has he adds the finishing touches of his belt. He is wearing different, more elaborate clothing, without any explanation. Pootie runs back to in front of the farmhouse, where Biggie Shorty-Tang is now sitting in Froggy’s recliner and Moe and Chard each have one foot on Froggy and Mahr-Tee-Nee. They stand triumphantly with their mallets resting on their shoulders. Biggie Shorty-Tang stops Pootie on the porch before he rushes into the house.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Pootie, you get your head all sorted out?

POOTIE TANG
Yeah.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
I suppose you need to see this through by yourself?

POOTIE TANG
Yeah

Pootie seems genuinely sad that Biggie can’t help, but Biggie knows it’s for the best.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
That’s ok. We’ll be out here. Waiting on you and Trucky.

Pootie then grabs the door handle, pauses for a moment, exhales, slowly turns the knob and pushes the door open.

POOTIE TANG
Sa da tay.

Scene opens on a tall, unfriendly room. Not what you would have expected based on the outside of the house. A the far end stands Dirty Dee and the sheriff in front of prison bars. Behind the prison bars is what looks like a normal southern farmhouse kitchen. Trucky is there gripping the bars with his head sticking out between them. Trucky Dirty Dee and the sheriff all notice the door opening at the same time. Trucky is the first to speak, as he cannot hold in his excitement.

TRUCKY
My man, Pootie Tang!

POOTIE TANG
Wa da tah, my damie!

DIRTY DEE
You’re too late Pootie Tang, or should I say Pootie Dee, there’s two of us and only one of you.

Dirty Dee laughs hysterically. The sheriff chuckles then quickly draws his gun and fires off all six shots. Pootie Tang obviously deflects them all using a combination of his belt and ponytail. The sheriff gets scared and tries to run away. Trucky reaches through the bars, grabs the sheriff by the collar and pulls him so hard against the bars he hits his head. The sheriff slumps to the ground unconscious. Dirty Dee looks down at the sheriff and gets visibly shaken, but not enough to retreat.

DIRTY DEE
Let papa give you a little history lesson, Pootie. Your momma was a no good hoochie, but she was the best no good hoochie I ever had…

Trucky interrupts Dirty Dee’s speech. He does the narration around here.

TRUCKY
(during the origin montage)
Hold up. Hold up. I got this. I do the narration around here. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away from a reasonable response time from emergency and protective services. On the mean streets of Chicago Dirty Dee was a small town hustler on the rise. He had a small, but loyal stable of hoes and he called his prized pony, Momma Dee. Of course when I say prized pony I actually mean bottom bitch (hear another belt snap) Ouch. Pootie, you know I’m just telling the truth, I can’t lie to these people. Alright alright, I’ll wrap it up. So, Dirty Dee gets Momma Dee pregnant. Despite his protests, Momma Dee gives birth to Pootie. As soon as she saw his smile she wanted to be better, and do better. She tried to get Dirty Dee to change his ways, but the dirty had already taken over. He kicked Momma Dee to the actual curb, where, moments later a recently stood up Daddy Tang strolled by and offered a helping hand. The rest is pop culture history. Once again, I can feel you doubting me. Trucky, how do you know all of this when Pootie Tang didn’t all these years. I’m in the future people. I know what happens. I’m sitting here with Pootie Tang, who do you think keeps whipping my ass with this belt? Spoiler alert America, we both survive.

The montage is over and the scene returns to an impatiently waiting Dirty Dee.

DIRTY DEE
Together me and you could sully the earth. As father and son. Dirty deeds is your true destiny, Pootie Dee.

Dirty Dee is now standing in front of Pootie Tang with his arms outstretched, welcoming Pootie Tang into his world of evil. Pootie Tang has his head down, but he slowly raises it after Dirty Dee’s offer. He looks Dirty Dee dead in the eye. They are pretty much nose to nose at this point. (the rest of this scene should resemble the whipping scene from Roots as much as possible)

POOTIE TANG
My name is Pootie Tang!

Pootie Tang fucking hammers Dirty Dee with his belt, but Dirty Dee doesn’t fall yet.

DIRTY DEE
Pootie Dee!

Pootie Tang hammers him again, from the other side this time. Dirty Dee drops to a knee, and is no longer dirty. Pootie Tang knocked the dirt off of him.

POOTIE TANG
Pootie Tang!

Dirty Dee looks at his hands and notices he is no longer dirty.

TRUCKY
Hot damn, Pootie you knocked the dirt off him!

Dirty Dee refuses to give up. He is still on his knees, but he looks up one more time.

DIRTY DEE
Pootie Dee. I am your father.

Pootie Tang screams before delivering the final blow.

POOTIE TANG
My name is Pootie Tang!

He hammers Dirty Dee one last time. The belt connects on a close up of Dirty Dee’s face, and it goes from black to white. He knocked the black off of Dirty Dee. Dirty Dee drops in to the fetal position, but Pootie keeps whipping him and screaming the name Pootie Tang. In the background you see Trucky get the keys off the sheriff and escapes his cell. Trucky runs over to Pootie Tang and wraps his arms around him. Pootie stops the whipping and they both cry into each other’s arms. Trucky finally lets up a bit, to try and explain himself.

TRUCKY
I’m so sorry Pootie. He kept me prisoner and hid all my mail. I never got the invite to the wedding. I woulda been there buddy. It’s all gonna be okay now.

POOTIE TANG
Don’t baine on the dibble, my damie.

Their moment is interrupted by a loud crashing sound. They both look over to the door, someone has kicked it open, and is standing there. The shadow is removed and it’s only Biggie Shorty-Tang. She steps out of the shadows, followed closely by Moe and Chard. Moe and Chard stand guard at the door, as Biggie Shorty-Tang walks over and helps Trucky and Pootie up.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Enough of this sappy mess. Pick yourselves up. It’s time to par-tay!

The sheriff’s daughter slowly, and timidly like a mouse, skulks out of the cell to see what’s going on. Pootie, Biggie and Trucky turn their heads and notice her. Biggie grabs for her purse to start kicking ass, but both Trucky and Pootie reach out to stop her.

POOTIE TANG
Say da nay no.

TRUCKY
Yeah Biggie Shorty, she’s just a lost woman adrift in the sea of love.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Oh alright, they can take her I suppose. And it’s actually Biggie Shorty-Tang now.

Trucky gives Pootie a look like “who this bitch think she is”. Pootie Tang just shrugs his shoulders. Moe and Chard both walk over and put their arm around the sheriff’s daughter and walk her out the front door.

MOE and CHARD
Come on honey, let’s get you the the IHOP

Right before they leave, the sheriff’s daughter puts her arms on her belly and looks back at Trucky.

SHERIFF’S DAUGHTER
Do they have day care?

Moe and Chard nod their heads, and caringly lead her out of the house. Camera focuses back on the other three, who are up and have composed themselves and are in the process of locking up Dirty Dee and the sheriff. When their bodies are finally dragged in and locked up.

TRUCKY
I’m so sorry man. I missed your wedding, but worst of all I missed the reception. I bet it was off the hook. Holla if ya hear me. Am I right?

Pootie Tang looks at Biggie Shorty-Tang. She knows what to do.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Trucky, there is no limit to your stupidity. But we can always throw another one.

TRUCKY
You don’t have to go through all that trouble for little old me.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Anything for my man’s best man. Besides we all know there ain’t no party like a Biggie Shorty-Tang party.

Biggie Shorty-Tang then crosses her arms, wiggles her nose, and does the blinking thing from that witch and genie show. Then all around the three, a bumping ass party appears out of nowhere. There’s local hillbillies plus some city folks, Dirty Dee and the sheriff are still locked up in the cell in the background. A kick ass dance/party montage starts. The montage ends with Biggie Shorty-Tang and Pootie Tang sitting at the main table with Trucky, JB, Lacey and Ireenie. Biggie Shorty-Tang is banging her champagne glass to get everyone’s attention for a speech. It doesn’t work the party is too rowdy. She tries a different tactic.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Shup up ya’ll! The bride is speaking.

You hear a record scratch and then the party is silent and everyone is paying attention to Biggie Shorty.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
I got an announcement to make. I love me some Pootie Tang, and Pootie Tang loves him some Biggie Shorty-Tang.

She pauses to look at Pootie Tang, he shows his agreement by raising his glass and nodding.

BIGGIE SHORTY-TANG
Pootie would never say it, but I suspect he would love Biggie Tang, a little bit more. So, in honor of all the sacrifices Pootie Tang makes for his friends and family, I’ve decided to drop the hyphen and take Pootie’s last name.

The whole place erupts in applause. Pootie’s boys all gather around to congratulate him. Ireenie stands up and gives Biggie Tang a big hug. Pootie stands up, grabs Biggie Tang’s hand, raises it and his glass.

POOTIE TANG
Biggie Tang, my damies. Biggie Tang.

Everyone cheers, raise their glasses and takes a drink. Pootie then grabs Biggie Tang dips her and does one of those cheesy movie kisses amongst all the congratulatory noise. The celebration is interrupted again by frantic knocks on the door and the doorbell ringing over and over again. Pootie and Biggie start to get up to take care of it, but Trucky raises his hand to let them know he’s got this. The whole party stops and is focused on the door. Trucky walks over and puts his ear against the door. The knocking and ringing stops. On the other side of the door is the sheriff’s daughter. She is begging to get Trucky back in her life.

SHERIFF’S DAUGHTER
Trucky. I’m so sorry. We can make this work. We can raise our baby to be good together. You can’t leave me with a bunch of strangers. I’ve got nothing left. I loved you Trucky, you gotta give me something.

You see the door open slightly, this makes the sheriff’s daughter briefly hopeful. Her hopefulness becomes confusion when she sees Trucky’s hand carefully slide a saucer of milk onto the porch. His hand retracts and the door closes. Scene is now back in the house (you can audibly hear slurping sounds from outside) where Trucky gives Pootie Tang a thumbs up. Pootie Tang then shrugs his shoulders.

POOTIE TANG
Sa Da Tay!

The party instantly starts up again as the camera fades out to black.

Scene opens up back on the E! News Special set. Pootie Biggie and Giuliana turn their attention away from the screen and back to the interview.

GIULIANA
That was by far, the second longest movie clip I’ve ever seen.

Biggie Tang tightens her grip on her purse. Pootie calms her down again with his hand on hers.

POOTIE TANG
I’m a pone toney.

GIULIANA
Hahaha. Yes Pootie, you certainly are. Unfortunately our time is up. On behalf of my guests Pootie and Biggie Tang, and for E! News this is Giuliana Rancic saying cole me down on the panny sty!

The three of them do the exaggerated kiss from the dating show, then Pootie Tang and Biggie Tang dance as the camera slowly fades out.

THE END!!!

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