Category Archives: Snews Fest

In Russia, Joke Tells You!

In honor of Team USA’s upcoming ice battle against Team Russia, here is a list of cultural differences between American/Canadian hockey and Russian hockey:

I heard Team Russia just signed Wario Lemieux.

It's a-me, Wario!

It’s a-me, Wario!

In Russian hockey, body checking is when they take a break to comb the arena for corpses.

I heard there’s so few women in Russia that most butt ending happens in the locker room.

In Russian hockey, penalty kills you.

The easiest way to go shorthanded at Sochi is to steal from the KGB.

In Russian hockey, puck smothers you.

I heard every hockey team at Sochi is encouraged to have a designated “sniper”. The only ice he sees is through a scope though.

TAKE THE SHOT!

TAKE THE SHOT!

In Russian hockey, shots slap you.

In case of a tie at Sochi, instead of a shootout, they have a FUCKING SHOOT OUT!

In Russia, a hat trick is when a toothless drunk man pulls a rabid bear out of an ushanka.

TAKE THE SHOT!

TAKE THE SHOT!

In Russian hockey, anything that results in “sudden death” is only a 2 minute minor.

The players better be careful, stick handling at Sochi can get you life in prison.

In Russia, poke checking is how ordinary citizens decide if the body they found by the Ural river is dead or alive.

Odd man rush is what Russians call our gay pride parades.

Advertisements

7 Reasons Why Justin Bieber is Jesus Christ!

In light of his recent troubles, it’s important to remember Justin Bieber really isn’t that bad of a guy. He’s actually the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.

1.Mark 7 Verse 32:
There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged Jesus to place his hand on him.

If that’s not perfectly describing someone resisting an open and shut D.U.I charge, then that cop three years ago had no right to arrest me.

2. Mark 7 Verse 33:
After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man’s ears. Then he spit and touched the man’s tongue.

I bet that dude was a pretty big fan of Jesus, what kind of messiah would spit on his fans?

He spit it and quit it

3. Luke 11 Verse 12 – 13:
Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!

Jesus loved to give people eggs as gifts. Ever hear of Easter? Sounds like whoever’s house got vandalized should thank Justin H. Bieber they didn’t get handfuls of live scorpions launched through their windows.

4. Matthew 26 Verse 52 states:
Then Jesus said to him, “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword.

Sounds an awful lot like Justin crying “I ain’t got no fucking weapons” at the time of his arrest.

5. Matthew 2 Verse 11:
On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Bieber said when he got pulled over he had drank/ate/inhaled alcohol, prescription pills, and weed. Or as we call them in the modern world: Goldschlager, FrankinXanax and Myrrhijuana

6. James 1 Verse 17:
Every generous act of giving and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father who made the heavenly lights, in whom there is no inconsistency or shifting shadow

BELIEBE IN BIEBER FOR HE IS INFALLIBLE!

7. The Da Vinci Code states:
“‘That, my dear,’ Teabing replied, ‘is Mary Magdalene.’ Sophie turned. ‘The prostitute?’”

Okay, so this isn’t from the actual bible, and the quote is taken completely out of context, but whatever. The “fact” remains, Jesus and Justin love prozzies.

The Poo Hurl!

I’m such a huge fan of Zooey Deschanel that I watch The New Girl every Tuesday, religiously. For she is my goddess and a clammy erection is my shrine to her.  That being said, the show is no fucking good. This is coming from a guy who loves Zach Braff so much I watched every second of Scrubs: Interns, and I told people, whom I respect, that it was just as good as the real Scrubs.  And I meant it. That’s how dedicated I am to my worship of celebrity.

I call the show The Poo Hurl, because that’s what it’s been doing to my T.V screen for the past two and a half years.  Someone needs to tell Elizabeth Meriwether, the creator, that if all your characters are quirky then none of them are quirky.  The only redeeming quality is Winston, he is the only truly insane character heroically treading water in an ocean of forced zaniness.  Although, judging by the return of the original token it appears as though Winston may slowly get phased out by the least annoying Wayans brother I’ve seen in awhile.  Yeah, I’m talking to you Marlon and Shawn.  A show as unoriginal as The Poo Hurl doesn’t have the lady balls to queef in society’s face by keeping two main character black guys on network T.V, even though it pretends to. Hopefully, they may not have to worry about the intricate logistics of minority casting for very much longer.

According to this Gawker article, directed toward me by friend Shmoug Shmettler (name changed for privacy reasons), the show is getting sued for plagiarism and they are getting sued for a lot of plagiarism.  They stole character names, plot points, fucking everything and I’m pretty sure they knew they were doing it. Unfortunately for Americans, the case will probably settle out of court and Meriwether will continue using her show to drive red hot “comedy” daggers into our eye holes and ear holes. Here’s a list of complaints against the show that I copied from the Gawker article:

  • both protagonists are awkward, quirky women around the age of thirty;

  • the catalyst in each plot which commence each story line are humiliating break ups;

  • each humiliating break up occurs after the protagonist discovers infidelity;

  • the name of the protagonist’s unfaithful beau in each work is Spencer;

  • the plot of both works revolves around the protagonist moving in with three guys;

  • both break ups involve humiliating strip teases by the protagonist;

  • in each work there is a cynical roommate who is a bartender;

  • the cynical roommate and protagonist in each work become love interests

  • the three new guy roommates in each work have identical personality traits;

  • roommates in each work act out their idiosyncrasies in identical ways;

  • the insecure roommate in each work poses in a hyper-masculine way;

  • the best friend in each work is named “CeCe” or has the initials “C.C.”;

  • both protagonists are given a new look by a sexually confident female friend;

  • in each work the cynical bartender is taken with her new look;

  • the protagonists are both sexually inexperienced;

  • the protagonist’s boss in each script is dowdy and overly controlling.

With the exception of some characters having the same name, all of these “plagiarisms” are plot lines and comedic situations that a lot of situation comedies use.

“both protagonists are awkward, quirky women around the age of thirty”

WTF!?! Did Stephanie Counts and Shari Gold (the people who are for some insane reason claiming The New Girl as a product of their own alleged creativity) also create The Mindy Project?

“The catalyst in each plot which commence each story line are humiliating break ups”

“Each humiliating break up occurs after the protagonist discovers infidelity”

Apparently the answer is yes. It’s also starting to sound an awful lot like Don’t Trust the B**** in Apt. 23.

“The insecure roommate in each work poses in a hyper-masculine way”

Yeah, they just plagiarized this from a living, non-fictional, insecure, and human man.

“The protagonist’s boss in each script is dowdy and overly controlling”

Again, just a normal everyday, real world boss. I actually require my employees to describe me this way. Of course, that’s only when I let them talk.

“In each work there is a cynical roommate who is a bartender”

A cynic AND a bartender? How has no one thought of that clever mix of personality and profession before? Oh wait, everyone has. Or I guess one person did, and everyone else “plagiarized” it,  I personally credit whoever wrote Casablanca.

It’s almost impossible to not recycle tired old sitcom plots, that’s why shows like Arrested Development and Parks and Rec are so cherished and rare. Truly original T.V programming is such an unattainable goal Sisyphus would say “Fuck it!” and write a story about a scientifical magic machine that turns you into smooth talking, ladies man Stefan Urquelle.  Unlike The Poo Hurl, most shows wait until season five, when they run out of ideas, to rip off older shows, and they usually don’t do it verbatim. Obviously, when you add all these coincidences up it looks a little fishy. It’s still funny though, that The New Girl, a show I always found completely useless (minus my boy Winston) and derivative, balls to the walls stole every aspect of their show from a completely different useless and derivative show. It’s like inception. Fuck it. I hope they cancel it, because that’s the only way I’ll stop torturing myself every Tuesday night at 9/8 central.

Popcorn Stand Your Ground!

This theater shooting happened just down the swamp from my folks’ trailer park a couple of days ago. I know this because my mom called to regale me with the story of her “near death experience”. For the record, she was nowhere near the theater when it happened, but she “could’ve been”. Shut up, Mom. Gilmore Girls is on and I think Rory and Lorelai are finally going to scissor. When they originally retired down in Florida they lived in a modest cookie cutter house, safely tucked behind a locked gate, guarded 24/7 by the oldest man I’ve ever seen standing upright.  It didn’t take my parents long to realize that the gated community wasn’t enough to protect them from the mindless, gun toting, hick zombies roaming the swamps of North America’s flaccid penis. They decided being mobile was the best course of action to stay alive, so my dad bought an RV that costs as much as four of my houses, and they moved into a trailer park. If you don’t feel like reading the story here’s a summary: Some dude was mad that some other dude was texting during a movie, and the angry dude busted a cap in his ass.  The texter’s excuse was that he was only texting his daughter. Hopefully the shooter replied with, “Tell her she can cancel her family plan” before pulling the trigger.  The guy who got shot died, and his wife got wounded in the hand.

I have a few problems with this story. It’s unfortunate someone died, but the law is also giving him shit for shooting the wife’s hand. She’s the one who threw her arm in front of her husband to stop the bullet. Bitch, you aren’t Superwoman. If she really loved him, she would’ve sacrificed her whole self, not just what I assume is her non-dominant hand. I hope her lumpy stump serves as a constant reminder of how poorly she handles high pressure situations.  Another issue I noticed was in this article. Apparently the shooter’s lawyer tried to use the “stand your ground” law, made famous in the Zimmerman case, to argue that his client was the victim.  No punches were thrown, only popcorn, and everyone knows movie theater butter isn’t even hot. Thankfully that lawyer’s face was quickly laughed into. Also, the manager isn’t being held responsible whatsoever. The complaint was brought to him and he did nothing to rectify the situation. He was probably too busy getting a hand job in the office from the ticket taker so she could go home early. What else was the shooter supposed to do?

My main problem with the story is that I can’t find anything, anywhere on the internet that is applauding this man for the hero that he truly is.  This is the kind of vigilante theater justice that me, and Bill Murray’s brother have been dreaming of. 

Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

This shooting is another example of how more relaxed gun laws are what this country needs. Don’t ban guns from theaters, ban cell phones.  All of this could’ve been avoided if the “victim” wasn’t allowed to have his phone in the first place.

We can learn a lot about ourselves and the world around us amid life’s tragedies.  This tragedy is no different. It taught me the truest definition of the word “irony”, because I’m pretty sure the shooter did not use a silencer.

%d bloggers like this: