Roy Moore’s new campaign song just dropped. I got the exclusive!
Atop his thrones
He sires his clones
From many wives
From many lives
He ran his empire
Bathed in ire
They’ll run his company
He’ll run our country
Into a crater
There is no later
There is no future
There is no hope
There is no change
There is a dope
A nesting doll
Will end us all
With nukes or hate
We sit, we wait
There was another
A wife, and mother
With all her might
She lost our fight
She was no saint
Perfect, she ain’t
He will be worse
A lingering curse
Buzzfeed has a very newsworthy article about the many types of poo.
I happen to think that Ted Cruz’s face always looks like someone just walked in on him in the middle of taking a dump.
So, without further ado, I present to you Ted Cruz’s dramatic interpretations of Buzzfeed’s shit list.
LUMPY SAUSAGE POOP
“Absolutely nothing special about this poop. Barely garners consideration on a poop list.”
SPICY FIRE POOP
“Spicy fire poop is pretty funny after the fact, but it’s never a fun experience. At least you’ll have something to talk about at work tomorrow.”
TINY HARD LUMPS
“These score points for being adorable, but they’re not very satisfying.”
FLUFFY MUSHY CHUNKY POOP
“Basically diarrhea that won’t commit to being diarrhea, this poop is literally the worst of both worlds. Make up your mind, poop!”
SMOOTH SAUSAGE POOP
“Average, healthy poop. The poop we all know and love. This poop is like a home-cooked meal or your mother’s warm embrace. Comforting and familiar.”
“Green poop is sort of unique and interesting, but you have to eat a lot of spinach to achieve it, and one can only eat so much spinach.”
“Lots of women poop during childbirth, which sounds pretty embarrassing, but it’s pretty cool when you think about it. When your kid is a teenager and tries to talk back to you, you can be like, “Yeah, well I pooped on your head when you were a baby. Take that.”
LIL’ SOFT NUGGETS
“These little blobs are sort of cute, if you’re into softies.”
“Black poop is the most metal poop there is. Black poop is caused by the bismuth in Pepto-Bismol, and it can also turn your tongue black, like a giraffe’s. Amazing!”
“It might be surprising that classic diarrhea ranks so high, but remember: Diarrhea can get you out of anything. Next time you get a speeding ticket, try using diarrhea as an excuse. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be let off with a warning.”
“Did you know you poop after you die? That’s hilarious.”
SLIPPERY SNAKE POOP
“Smooth and soft, the slippery snake poop is mysterious and elusive. It’s the healthiest, most fibrous of poops. The only downside is that bathroom time is depressingly short.”
“Beets turn your poop red. That’s badass.”
“Nothing is more spectacular than corn poop. Corn poop is magical. Corn poop is a gift.”
Gun violence is a problem in this country. It doesn’t matter if it’s happening more or less now than in the past decades and it doesn’t matter if the media is sensationalizing it. The only thing that matters is that it happens, and it is preventable. Check out Wikipedia to see how many countries are less violent than us. It’s a lot. Background checks are a good start, there’s no harm. If you commit a violent crime once, maybe you’re not statistically more likely to do it again, but you are statistically willing to do it at least once, which usually means you’re a pretty terrible person. Obviously, not every crime should exclude you from gun ownership, but ones involving a gun and/or senseless violence should. NO MATTER WHAT. FYI, any violence that exists outside the realm of self defense, is senseless. And no, that stand your ground bullshit does not count as self defense, if it did they wouldn’t’ve needed to come up with a different name for it. Neither do preemptive strikes, unless you’re Ender Wiggin and you’re xenociding an entire extraterrestrial race, cuz that book is bad ass. But if I had my way, even a fictional, international, pre-teen, alien murdering, hero like Ender would probably fail my background check.
Nobody who has been manipulated by adults to wipe out an entire species would be deemed anywhere near mentally fit to own a gun. Yes, if you’re crazy you should not be able to own a gun. That’s all I’m going to say about it because it’s common sense, and if you disagree with me you are too stupid to be convinced otherwise. Crawl back into the swamp hole that shat you out, you filthy, feral Floridian. I do recognize that mental health issues also desperately need to be addressed in this country, but that’s not what this essay is about. Although, I will say that until we get the mental health issue figured out, we should maybe dial back the gun parade that’s tearing through our nation. Along with background checks, every gun owner should be required to take a safety class and pass a safety test. Even if you don’t plan on concealing and carrying. We make everyone do it to drive a car because cars are dangerous pieces of machinery that, while not designed to, have the ability to maim and kill human beings. It makes perfectly clear sense to require the same of gun owners, because guns are dangerous pieces of machinery that were specifically designed to maim and kill human beings.
Let’s say you’ve passed all of these classes and background checks. Congratulations! I’m glad you were deemed fit for gun ownership. You’re probably excited to start stockpiling your arsenal. WRONG AGAIN! You’re only allowed two guns per individual person. One to hunt with and one to protect your home with. Don’t worry hillbillies, your fat wives can also get two. Your kids have to wait until their eighteenth birthday though. You can throw them a militia themed party that girls will be too afraid to attend. “But how am I gonna protect my family if the government comes after me?” The answer to that question, fictional nameless opposer, is that you won’t. America has an army, navy, air force, and marines. They even have a coast guard, so there’s no escape. And those are just the armed forces they tell us about. America regularly and casually decimates entire nations, your pantry full of AKs ain’t gonna do shit, Cletus. I named him Cletus. Here is the least dumb response I’ve received to my 2 guns law
Here’s an interesting twist on an old riddle. Say I have two guns, and one of them isn’t a .22. What’s the other one? Answer: It could be a fucking .22. Just buy one .22 and a shotgun or rifle. Then you can kill innocent adorable, yet delicious, animals large and small. You can even still protect your family, all while having only two guns. You’re smart, you should be able to figure it out. Just kidding, you’re an idiot. Most other responses came in the form of gibberish, followed by the word “America” spelled with “KKK” instead of the lower case “c” normally applied by the morally competent.
Now, let’s discuss this internet person’s inalienable rights to hunt fuzzy tailed tree rats. Hunting is not a right, gun ownership is. Though it really shouldn’t be. If you can’t kill a squirrel with one of your two guns, you need to get better at shooting squirrels or try shooting bigger animals. Or don’t shoot anything at all, in case you miss and kill a child. Speaking of hunting, it has become a “sport” for pussies. More so than baseball and soccer combined. If you need a gun to kill an unarmed animal, you shouldn’t be allowed to hunt. Real Americans, and by that I literally mean Native Americans, did not need guns to hunt and kill animals. Neither did cavemen. What’s wrong with using arrows and tomahawks again? Put some fucking effort into it people. I’ve never hunted, but a friend of mine once described it as “doing coke in a tree with your dad while waiting to see a deer”. That’s not hunting. If actual hunting is too hard for you, try using traps. I know it’s a lot to ask someone who is against stricter gun control to be smarter than an animal, but I’m sure if you just dig a bunch of holes some form of edible meat is sure to fall in, eventually. The downside to hole digging is exercise, and if all these hillbillies lose weight who’s gonna buy all those XXL confederate flag t-shirts? Rest stops in the south will go out of business, and then where will the hillbillies work? The gun control debate is like a never ending wagon wheel of frustration.
With all the insane people on both sides of the gun control issue, my two guns law will never pass. It’s too many guns for some people, and not enough for everyone else. Non-American humans call my 2 guns law a fair compromise, I don’t think we’ve discovered the concept yet. But hey, at least we can make giant cupcakes right? This is why I would need a celebrity endorsement: