Monthly Archives: March, 2014

An Ode to Saint Baldrick’s

On April 12 I am shaving my head for a great FUNd raiser called St. Baldrick’s. They raise money to support grants, research, and awareness about children’s cancer. I like it a lot, and it does good things for good people. *CLICK HERE* for more information or to donate! Until then enjoy this poem.

Dear god, you suck
Cuz you give kids the cancer
Why god, why?
What is the answer?

Why, god why
Am I writing this letter?
You don’t exist
I should know better.

I normally write poems
About vaginas and dicks
This one’s not those ones
It’s time for St. Baldrick’s!

Sometimes I’m offensive
Cuz I think that it’s funny
So, I’m shaving my whole head
Now, give me your money.

I say my whole head
Cuz eyebrows are included
This gets me out of the house
Where I’m usually secluded.

Bacon’s supportive
That’s the name of my dog
He would shave too
But he’d look like a hog.

My beard will also go
I feel it’s a part of me
It took years to grow
Cuz I barely hit puberty.

I’ll look like a fool
I’m already a tool
Who barely passed school
I’m also not cool.

But I’m good at begging for money
To support a good cause
Though, I do it for me
I love the applause.

To all my dear friends,
Start making it rain.
Give me money now!
Or when I bug you again.

Words With Friends With Candy!


This one time I spelled perv van in Words With Friends. (I edited out my real name).

Bartender’s Tar Bender!

I’ll make your panties soggy
With my pants hoggy

I’ll make your clam damp
With my ham stamp

I’ll make your holes moist
Dick like a Rolls Royce
If I mixed your drink right
You won’t have a choice

I’m a bartender
On a tar bender
Over serving bartendees
Til they’re on their knees

With mouth wide open
Here’s to hopin’
She’s not a spitter

I like a bird who swallows
I won’t sodomize a quitter

And a beejin’
Ain’t a beejin’
Unless it’s demeanin’

Humpin’ Jack Brash!

I’m like humpin’ jack flash
When I’m up in dat ass
I’d swipe my card in your gash
But you only take cash

It cost extra for no rubber
My finishing move is near
Your uterus should fear
The repercussions of my spear

You will get pregnant
Cuz I am quite fertile
I’ll jizz deep inside you
Where our baby will curdle.

C(L)ock Jaw!

She gave me brain
Like a quiz show
‘Til I made it rain
Like a jizz show

It wasn’t lockjaw
It was cockjaw
I was in her mouth
Not in her cha cha

I had a chubber on
With no rubber on
I unloaded my nut
In her lower gut

Not in her vagina
Nor her behind-a
An oral dick takin’
Was her oral fixation

May she rest in peace
She died on her knees
Forever the orator
Until a boar ate her.

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