Monthly Archives: January, 2014

Sex ScanDaly!

EXCLUSIVE: Lindsey Vonn Caught “Skiing” at John Daly’s Winter Vacation Trailer.

Lindsey Vonn

I don’t think you’re supposed to ski when one pole is noticeably shorter and stubbier than the other.

A Dicky Stitchuation!

I’d like to dedicate this tale to my brother, Shmamie. And no, Shmamie is not a girl’s name. Without his sage brotherly advice, this entire article would’ve been a tyrannical rant about how men are the only true victims of the worldwide epidemic known as forced female genital mutilation (which is what society calls circumcisions when performed on females). And no one wants to read that, except for maybe a handful of oppressive, male tribal leaders.

I hate my penis. It has betrayed me far too many times.  It’s worst betrayal was not in the form of a regrettable woman, of which there have been slightly more than a few, but came in the form of a regrettable condition known as phimosis.  Phimosis is something that only uncircumcised penises can get. It’s caused by lots of stuff, from dry sex and/or masturbation to just being an unlucky uncircumcised penis and anything in between. Don’t worry, the condition is uncommon. Don’t panic and Nip/Tuck yourself:

This is what America will look like if we let #NObama steal our guns.

This is what America will look like if we let #NObama steal our guns.

The doctor explained that phimosis is when the foreskin gets too tight for the head of the penis to fit through.  Of course, I didn’t know any of this when I went to see the dick doc and told him my penis was acting more coy than usual. If it were a groundhog, there’d be six more weeks of winter and my penis would have nothing left to shield itself from the cold. I tried to tell him that maybe my penis had gotten too big for my foreskin, I’ve always been a foreskin half full kind of guy, but he finally convinced me my theory was medically impossible and circumcision was the only option.

Most guys are ashamed of their foreskin. I was the opposite of those guys, to an uncomfortable degree. Damn the man, I wore it like a badge of honor. I made my friends refer to it as fiveskin when it came up in casual conversation, and I made sure to bring it up whenever I felt it appropriate. It rarely mattered how many families at the dog park were calling the police, they were going to know that my penis looked like Merlin’s sleeve and they were going to watch me pull a chihuahua out of it. I was devastated that I had to get circumcised and I was in no way comforted by the fact that my advanced age made a full circumcision too risky. Who knew one of the benchmarks of manly adulthood would be necessarily restrictive genital surgery. We decided not to risk it, and only cut off about half my foreskin. I’m approximately two skins lighter. I’ll try to explain it in terms my fashionably conscious readership can understand. If penises were styles of men’s shirt collars, your normie penises would be a crew neck. My original penis, the beta version, would be a full turtleneck. My new penis, Penis 2.0 and a 1/2, is a mock neck. Forever stuck in penis limbo somewhere between one and three skins.

The procedure itself wasn’t bad. They knocked me out cold, which is a luxury not afforded to infant victims of circumcision. Because babies are tougher than me right?  Yeah, they actually probably are. The recovery was the thing that sex nightmares are afraid of.  For the first few days my dick looked like a twice baked potato that a drunken maniac stitched together using smaller, uglier twice baked potatoes. Obviously, I’m being figurative about the twice baked potatoes, but I am not being figurative about the stitches. I had actual, literal dick stitches right around the base of the head. I was afraid to pee at urinals. What if someone casually caught a glimpse of my genitals? Riots would ensue and the townie folk would chase my penis out of town with pitchforks and torches like Frankenstein’s monster’s dick.

The dick stitches took some getting used to, and I had pills for the pain, but the random bleeding was the worst.  My genitals could’ve started bleeding at any time with no warning, I felt like a  girl expectantly dangling on the cusp of pubescence, taking a shower after gym class.  A couple weeks went by, and I went to my follow up, where I thought he was going to take my stitches out. I was wrong. Turns out my boner was going to do all the work for him. A stitch popping boner might sound unbearable to the uninitiated, but it’s quite the opposite.  My first morning wood, or mourning wood as I call them now (may my fiveskin rest in pieces), was like unchaining Django. It’s how Toby would’ve felt if they didn’t beat the name Kunta Kinte out of his very being. My dick was Bruce Banner succumbing to The Hulk and tearing almost all of his clothes off, his mostly unscathed but tattered shorts perfectly representing the surviving remnants of my dick skin apocalypse.

Despite the fact that phimosis makes sex and/or peeing unbearable, and adult circumcisions are bloody and horrific ordeals, I am still wholeheartedly against them for children. Phimosis is too rare to justify the systematic mutilation of our most male offspring. Teach your kids what soap and lube is and their scary, hooded penises will be just fine. The only medical reason for it is to put money in a doctor’s wallet. One of the reasons it’s so commonplace is because some dude wanted kids to stop masturbating and his original plan of force feeding them graham crackers didn’t work. His name was Sylvester Graham, the creator of the graham cracker. I’m not sure if he invented baby dick guillotines, but he probably tried to. Circumcision is ignorant and barbaric, but my main issue with it is it’s sexism. It is 100% illegal to circumcise a female baby and it is 100% encouraged to circumcise a male baby. That’s 200% sexist, which is so off the charts sexist, it almost seems like I probably just made it up.

RELEVANT POEM!

The Poo Hurl!

I’m such a huge fan of Zooey Deschanel that I watch The New Girl every Tuesday, religiously. For she is my goddess and a clammy erection is my shrine to her.  That being said, the show is no fucking good. This is coming from a guy who loves Zach Braff so much I watched every second of Scrubs: Interns, and I told people, whom I respect, that it was just as good as the real Scrubs.  And I meant it. That’s how dedicated I am to my worship of celebrity.

I call the show The Poo Hurl, because that’s what it’s been doing to my T.V screen for the past two and a half years.  Someone needs to tell Elizabeth Meriwether, the creator, that if all your characters are quirky then none of them are quirky.  The only redeeming quality is Winston, he is the only truly insane character heroically treading water in an ocean of forced zaniness.  Although, judging by the return of the original token it appears as though Winston may slowly get phased out by the least annoying Wayans brother I’ve seen in awhile.  Yeah, I’m talking to you Marlon and Shawn.  A show as unoriginal as The Poo Hurl doesn’t have the lady balls to queef in society’s face by keeping two main character black guys on network T.V, even though it pretends to. Hopefully, they may not have to worry about the intricate logistics of minority casting for very much longer.

According to this Gawker article, directed toward me by friend Shmoug Shmettler (name changed for privacy reasons), the show is getting sued for plagiarism and they are getting sued for a lot of plagiarism.  They stole character names, plot points, fucking everything and I’m pretty sure they knew they were doing it. Unfortunately for Americans, the case will probably settle out of court and Meriwether will continue using her show to drive red hot “comedy” daggers into our eye holes and ear holes. Here’s a list of complaints against the show that I copied from the Gawker article:

  • both protagonists are awkward, quirky women around the age of thirty;

  • the catalyst in each plot which commence each story line are humiliating break ups;

  • each humiliating break up occurs after the protagonist discovers infidelity;

  • the name of the protagonist’s unfaithful beau in each work is Spencer;

  • the plot of both works revolves around the protagonist moving in with three guys;

  • both break ups involve humiliating strip teases by the protagonist;

  • in each work there is a cynical roommate who is a bartender;

  • the cynical roommate and protagonist in each work become love interests

  • the three new guy roommates in each work have identical personality traits;

  • roommates in each work act out their idiosyncrasies in identical ways;

  • the insecure roommate in each work poses in a hyper-masculine way;

  • the best friend in each work is named “CeCe” or has the initials “C.C.”;

  • both protagonists are given a new look by a sexually confident female friend;

  • in each work the cynical bartender is taken with her new look;

  • the protagonists are both sexually inexperienced;

  • the protagonist’s boss in each script is dowdy and overly controlling.

With the exception of some characters having the same name, all of these “plagiarisms” are plot lines and comedic situations that a lot of situation comedies use.

“both protagonists are awkward, quirky women around the age of thirty”

WTF!?! Did Stephanie Counts and Shari Gold (the people who are for some insane reason claiming The New Girl as a product of their own alleged creativity) also create The Mindy Project?

“The catalyst in each plot which commence each story line are humiliating break ups”

“Each humiliating break up occurs after the protagonist discovers infidelity”

Apparently the answer is yes. It’s also starting to sound an awful lot like Don’t Trust the B**** in Apt. 23.

“The insecure roommate in each work poses in a hyper-masculine way”

Yeah, they just plagiarized this from a living, non-fictional, insecure, and human man.

“The protagonist’s boss in each script is dowdy and overly controlling”

Again, just a normal everyday, real world boss. I actually require my employees to describe me this way. Of course, that’s only when I let them talk.

“In each work there is a cynical roommate who is a bartender”

A cynic AND a bartender? How has no one thought of that clever mix of personality and profession before? Oh wait, everyone has. Or I guess one person did, and everyone else “plagiarized” it,  I personally credit whoever wrote Casablanca.

It’s almost impossible to not recycle tired old sitcom plots, that’s why shows like Arrested Development and Parks and Rec are so cherished and rare. Truly original T.V programming is such an unattainable goal Sisyphus would say “Fuck it!” and write a story about a scientifical magic machine that turns you into smooth talking, ladies man Stefan Urquelle.  Unlike The Poo Hurl, most shows wait until season five, when they run out of ideas, to rip off older shows, and they usually don’t do it verbatim. Obviously, when you add all these coincidences up it looks a little fishy. It’s still funny though, that The New Girl, a show I always found completely useless (minus my boy Winston) and derivative, balls to the walls stole every aspect of their show from a completely different useless and derivative show. It’s like inception. Fuck it. I hope they cancel it, because that’s the only way I’ll stop torturing myself every Tuesday night at 9/8 central.

Bawler Status!

Bawl so hard, box of tissues
Bawl so hard, family issues
Bawl so hard, your mascara is fleeing
Bawl so hard, your face is peeing

Bawl til you fall
In the fetal position
Bawl as you crawl
Away from attrition

Bawl til you haul
Your fat ass to the toilet
Bawl in the stall
You shouldn’t’ve did it

Bawl when you call
Your cousin in Kansas
Bawl cuz you stall
When you tell him it’s his

Bawl so hard, you did incest
Bawl so hard, you’re no princess
Bawl so hard, you really loved him
Bawl so hard, you shoulda gloved him

Bawl cuz you think
A life was cut short
Bawl when you drink
Cuz you chose to abort

The Gif that Keeps on Gifing!

I made my first gif for this story, but since it’s my first gif, I felt it deserved its own recognition so here you go:

Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

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