As a single thirty year old male, people are constantly asking me about women’s reproductive issues, and I always oblige (even if no one actually asks). For instance, I’ve discovered a method of birth control, that if done correctly is 100% safe and 100% effective. It’s a bit of a twist on an old classic. I call it the “pull out method”. The lamestream media wants you to believe that it doesn’t work all the time, but I’m here to tell you that it does work, you just have to be sure to pull it out within the first trimester.
Abortions should not only be legal, they should be fun. I dream of a future in which abortions are as abundant and affordable as those novelty claw arcade games. It would be even better if they were also similar in execution (get it?). It really is a great business plan. I’d put some machines in Dave and Buster’s, maybe for cross promotional purposes I’d convince them to temporarily change their name to Dave and Bust Her Cervix. The real money is in Chuck E Cheese’s though. I’d make so much coin, I wouldn’t even make them temporarily change their name to Chuck D Fetuses. I dare a pregnant woman to walk into a crowded Chuck E Cheese’s, surrounded by the screeching hell spawn of middle America, and not pay four tokens to get her “baby” clawed out of her loins by an in-house trained middle aged dude making minimum wage, who is probably a furry. Of course the woman could choose to have her partner or a friend man the joystick, but she better choose wisely because they only get two attempts, anything after that requires more tokens. If the abortion is a success you not only win limitless financial and social freedom, you also win some tickets. Tickets that can be exchanged at the counter for anything from Chinese finger traps and pennywhistles to condoms and diaphragms. It’s not a good first date, but it’s one hell of a second one. If you know what I mean.
That’s how abortions would work in my utopian future. However, once the hipsters inevitably take over the world, they’re going to want to go in the completely opposite direction. They’ll want to do old school abortions, or “vintage”, as they’ll teach us to call it in their Portland area re-education camps. Abortions will probably be more like catfish noodling. A doctor, or hillbilly, will shove half their arm up the vagina, wait for a nibble, and then yank the (probable) bastard out and throw it in a river. It will definitely add a whole new dimension to the float trip industry.
If anyone is still reading this gibberish, you probably think I’m pro choice and, much like a hopeful fetus, you would be dead wrong. A lot of people get pro choice confused with pro abortion, which is what I am. I support a woman’s right to have an abortion, but I refuse to support her right to choose to do so or not.