Monthly Archives: January, 2014

The L.A Kings in the North

The L.A Kings in the North

Winter hockey season is coming!

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Gunt Cuntroll!

Gun violence is a problem in this country. It doesn’t matter if it’s happening more or less now than in the past decades and it doesn’t matter if the media is sensationalizing it. The only thing that matters is that it happens, and it is preventable. Check out Wikipedia to see how many countries are less violent than us. It’s a lot. Background checks are a good start, there’s no harm. If you commit a violent crime once, maybe you’re not statistically more likely to do it again, but you are statistically willing to do it at least once, which usually means you’re a pretty terrible person. Obviously, not every crime should exclude you from gun ownership, but ones involving a gun and/or senseless violence should. NO MATTER WHAT. FYI, any violence that exists outside the realm of self defense, is senseless. And no, that stand your ground bullshit does not count as self defense, if it did they wouldn’t’ve needed to come up with a different name for it. Neither do preemptive strikes, unless you’re Ender Wiggin and you’re xenociding an entire extraterrestrial race, cuz that book is bad ass. But if I had my way, even a fictional, international, pre-teen, alien murdering, hero like Ender would probably fail my background check.

Nobody who has been manipulated by adults to wipe out an entire species would be deemed anywhere near mentally fit to own a gun. Yes, if you’re crazy you should not be able to own a gun. That’s all I’m going to say about it because it’s common sense, and if you disagree with me you are too stupid to be convinced otherwise. Crawl back into the swamp hole that shat you out, you filthy, feral Floridian. I do recognize that mental health issues also desperately need to be addressed in this country, but that’s not what this essay is about. Although, I will say that until we get the mental health issue figured out, we should maybe dial back the gun parade that’s tearing through our nation. Along with background checks, every gun owner should be required to take a safety class and pass a safety test. Even if you don’t plan on concealing and carrying. We make everyone do it to drive a car because cars are dangerous pieces of machinery that, while not designed to, have the ability to maim and kill human beings. It makes perfectly clear sense to require the same of gun owners, because guns are dangerous pieces of machinery that were specifically designed to maim and kill human beings.

Let’s say you’ve passed all of these classes and background checks. Congratulations! I’m glad you were deemed fit for gun ownership. You’re probably excited to start stockpiling your arsenal. WRONG AGAIN! You’re only allowed two guns per individual person. One to hunt with and one to protect your home with. Don’t worry hillbillies, your fat wives can also get two. Your kids have to wait until their eighteenth birthday though. You can throw them a militia themed party that girls will be too afraid to attend. “But how am I gonna protect my family if the government comes after me?” The answer to that question, fictional nameless opposer, is that you won’t. America has an army, navy, air force, and marines. They even have a coast guard, so there’s no escape. And those are just the armed forces they tell us about. America regularly and casually decimates entire nations, your pantry full of AKs ain’t gonna do shit, Cletus. I named him Cletus. Here is the least dumb response I’ve received to my 2 guns law

Hillbilly Hissy Fit!

Hillbilly Hissy Fit!

Here’s an interesting twist on an old riddle. Say I have two guns, and one of them isn’t a .22. What’s the other one? Answer: It could be a fucking .22. Just buy one .22 and a shotgun or rifle. Then you can kill innocent adorable, yet delicious, animals large and small. You can even still protect your family, all while having only two guns. You’re smart, you should be able to figure it out. Just kidding, you’re an idiot. Most other responses came in the form of gibberish, followed by the word “America” spelled with “KKK” instead of the lower case “c” normally applied by the morally competent.

Now, let’s discuss this internet person’s inalienable rights to hunt fuzzy tailed tree rats. Hunting is not a right, gun ownership is. Though it really shouldn’t be. If you can’t kill a squirrel with one of your two guns, you need to get better at shooting squirrels or try shooting bigger animals. Or don’t shoot anything at all, in case you miss and kill a child. Speaking of hunting, it has become a “sport” for pussies. More so than baseball and soccer combined. If you need a gun to kill an unarmed animal, you shouldn’t be allowed to hunt. Real Americans, and by that I literally mean Native Americans, did not need guns to hunt and kill animals. Neither did cavemen. What’s wrong with using arrows and tomahawks again? Put some fucking effort into it people. I’ve never hunted, but a friend of mine once described it as “doing coke in a tree with your dad while waiting to see a deer”. That’s not hunting. If actual hunting is too hard for you, try using traps. I know it’s a lot to ask someone who is against stricter gun control to be smarter than an animal, but I’m sure if you just dig a bunch of holes some form of edible meat is sure to fall in, eventually. The downside to hole digging is exercise, and if all these hillbillies lose weight who’s gonna buy all those XXL confederate flag t-shirts? Rest stops in the south will go out of business, and then where will the hillbillies work? The gun control debate is like a never ending wagon wheel of frustration.

With all the insane people on both sides of the gun control issue, my two guns law will never pass. It’s too many guns for some people, and not enough for everyone else. Non-American humans call my 2 guns law a fair compromise, I don’t think we’ve discovered the concept yet. But hey, at least we can make giant cupcakes right? This is why I would need a celebrity endorsement:

Let's Put This Thang In Action! 2 Gunz! Chain Reaction!

Let’s Put This Thang In Action! 2 Gunz! Chain Reaction!

Quick N Dry!

My sex is quick n dry
Like a shot of gin
I’ll be almost done
Before I’m even in
I fed you shots and shots
Like lots and lots
Emotional lubricant
Makes you jubilant
Like Jubilee
I felt a spark
The bar was dark
That helped a lot
Cuz your face is busted
From the chest up
Like Nefertiti
But you’re no queen
Please forgive me
That was mean

Mister Sister Fister!

You’re girlfriend is a mister
He’s probably your sister
It’s hairy when you fist her
On his face, you jizzed her

You fucked her dry
You dissed her
You shouldn’t try
To kiss her
He swings,
You swing
You miss her

She took a dive
LaMotta v. Fox
You took three to five
In a steel barred box

You’re the prison’s pin cushion
Your butthole is sore
They’re barely pushing
Now who’s the whore?

(S)He’s dating some clown
All around town
While you’re getting fucked
‘Til white dicks turn brown.

7 Reasons Why Justin Bieber is Jesus Christ!

In light of his recent troubles, it’s important to remember Justin Bieber really isn’t that bad of a guy. He’s actually the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.

1.Mark 7 Verse 32:
There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged Jesus to place his hand on him.

If that’s not perfectly describing someone resisting an open and shut D.U.I charge, then that cop three years ago had no right to arrest me.

2. Mark 7 Verse 33:
After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man’s ears. Then he spit and touched the man’s tongue.

I bet that dude was a pretty big fan of Jesus, what kind of messiah would spit on his fans?

He spit it and quit it

3. Luke 11 Verse 12 – 13:
Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!

Jesus loved to give people eggs as gifts. Ever hear of Easter? Sounds like whoever’s house got vandalized should thank Justin H. Bieber they didn’t get handfuls of live scorpions launched through their windows.

4. Matthew 26 Verse 52 states:
Then Jesus said to him, “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword.

Sounds an awful lot like Justin crying “I ain’t got no fucking weapons” at the time of his arrest.

5. Matthew 2 Verse 11:
On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Bieber said when he got pulled over he had drank/ate/inhaled alcohol, prescription pills, and weed. Or as we call them in the modern world: Goldschlager, FrankinXanax and Myrrhijuana

6. James 1 Verse 17:
Every generous act of giving and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father who made the heavenly lights, in whom there is no inconsistency or shifting shadow

BELIEBE IN BIEBER FOR HE IS INFALLIBLE!

7. The Da Vinci Code states:
“‘That, my dear,’ Teabing replied, ‘is Mary Magdalene.’ Sophie turned. ‘The prostitute?’”

Okay, so this isn’t from the actual bible, and the quote is taken completely out of context, but whatever. The “fact” remains, Jesus and Justin love prozzies.

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